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■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer | |
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▶ Topic :
1. People attend college or university for many different reasons. Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. | |
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▶ Your Answer :
There are many reasons that people choose to attend college or university. In my opinion, we can say three main reasons : nurturing abilities to get better job, studying the area they want, and meeting people from different backgrounds.
(문법상 오류는 마지막의 background가 복수형이 되어야 한다는 것 하나뿐입니다. 하지만 도입 문단으로써의 역할이 너무 약합니다. 일단 하나의 문단은 최소 4 - 5개의 문장으로 이루어지는게 좋습니다. 도입과 이유의 제시는 좋으셨지만 한두문장 정도 더 자신의 생각을 표현했다면 더 좋았을것 같습니다.)
First, people can nurture build (앞 문단에서 nurture라는 단어를 한번 사용하셨기에 문맥상 같은 의미의 다른 단어로 교체했습니다.) their abilities skills that are necessary for better jobs through college education. The 21st century is usually called as the information-centered era. In this time, critical and creative knowledge and thoughts as well as language or computer skills are highly recommended. Consequently it is connected to the requirements of higher and sophisticated education. In college or university, people are involved in debates and (두가지 단어를 엮으실땐 쉼표가 아닌 and로 엮어줍니다.) discussions, as well as understanding the concepts and theories in the textbook. And these These (and로 문장을 시작하는 것은 좋지 않습니다. 그리고 and가 굳이 필요한 문장이 아니기에 생략했습니다.) activities in the classroom and (학교 전체는 교실도 포함하기에 생략가능합니다.) whole school make people develop their (누구의 생각이고 아이디어인지 확실히 표시해주는게 좋습니다.) thoughts and ideas.
Second, people can study the area in which they are interested. High school students, especially in Korea, are forced to study for the university entrance exam rather than searching and studying (목적어 자리엔 동사가 올수 없습니다. 동명사로 바꿔주시는게 맞습니다.) the subject they want. Their timetables are full of mandatory subjects such as Korean, mathematics, and English. However, in college or university, people can choose any subject they want to study. For example, if you hope to take the course in the department of economics, you can put that subject in your timetable. Although some subjects or department give restrictions on taking courses, most of you can study the area which you they are willing to do.
Third, people can meet variety of other people in college or university. Unlike high schools, which are usually located near your house, colleges or universities are situated in big cities such as Seoul, New York or London. etc. (etc와 같은 줄임말은 에세이에 쓰이기엔 캐쥬얼한 느낌이 있습니다. 꼭 쓰셔야 할땐 and so on과 같은 표현이 더 좋습니다.) Nowadays, there are lots of many students who come from foreign countries as well. Therefore people can meet students who have grown grew (이러한 경우 시제는 단순 과거형이어야 합니다.) up in different background and who have different ideas. People hang around together not only in the classroom but also (not only ~ but also는 한 세트입니다. also를 붙여주세요.) outside of the campus. Through this process, (이러한 부사구 뒤엔 쉼표를 꼭 붙여주셔야 합니다.) they share their thoughts and experiences naturally. Thus people learn how to communicate and other experiences that they haven’t have never (에세이에서 줄임말의 사용은 하지 않는게 좋습니다.) had.
In brief, people attend college or university for nurturing their abilities for jobs, studying the area they want, or meeting a lot of people from different backgrounds. Whatever the reason they have, people can obtain any many advantages that college or university life provides.
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안녕하세요!
에세이 잘 읽었습니다 =)
제가 뭔가 많이 쓰고 고친 느낌이지만 사실 큰 실수는 없으세요.
조금만 더 다듬기만 하시면 잘 하실것 같아요.
일단 인트로 부분이 좀 많이 약한 느낌입니다. 너무 최소한의 역할만 한 느낌이에요 ㅠㅠ
그리고 복수형과 관사의 사용에 있어서 약간 실수가 있었습니다. 그런 부분만 좀 더 보완하시면 될것 같아요.
나머지 부분은 위에 빨간 글씨로 적어드린 설명 읽어보시면서 확인해보세요 =)
화이팅하세요!