▶ Your Answer :
Recently, more and more people dine out eat their meal out of their house. According to this, more and more kinds of restaurants appear. (본론과 크게 관련없는 문장이니, 생략해주셔도 됩니다) They say it is more convenient in terms of cleaning or washing dishes and more delicious than eating at home delicious than eating food at home at the terms of washing the dishes or cleaning the table. I agree some benefits of eating out, but I personally insist that preparing food on their own way have much Although there are some benefits of eating out, I believe that there are more advantages in two aspects, clean sanitation and challenge.
문장의 구조와 도입 부분을 아주 잘 써주셨습니다. 본론으로 이어지는 부분도 자연스럽고 좋네요. 가장 중요한 thesis statement (주제/주장 제시, 근거 나열)도 깔끔하게 잘 써주셨습니다. 다만, 가끔 약간 어색한 표현이나 관용구 부분에 더 신경써주시면 좋을 것 같네요~
To begin with, I think eating at home is cleaner than eating out. This is because that some restaurants violate the sanitation regulations. They usually use what they used before or chemical seasonings. In addition, they do not clean their kitchen regularly. To clarify, I sometimes watch once watched a TV program which reveals that revealed some restaurants’ dirty behavior. A The producer of that program camouflaged himself as a consumer customer and recorded a situation of the restaurant’s kitchen by a small camera. The situation was more serious than I expected. and it was more severe that I thought. (새로운 의견을 제시하실 때에는 따로 새 문장에서 써주시는 것이 훨씬 명확합니다) After watching that TV program, I rarely eat at food stands or restaurants and think most of restaurants do are like that. As this program demonstrates, eating at home is the most reliable way to dine eat a lunch.
제시해주신 예시가 아주 디테일하고 좋습니다, "먹거리 x파일"의 내용인 것 같네요. 자신의 경험을 토대로 서술하셔서 더 신빙성있고 설득력있는 것 같습니다. "집에서 식사를 하면 자신이 어떤 재료로, 어떻게 만드는지 알 수 있기 때문에 안전하고 건강하다"라는 문장을 하나 더 써주신다면 주제와의 연결이 더 자연스러울 것 같네요~
Secondly, I think preparing a food at home gives us many challenges. I am not good at cook cooking but I like to do it. When I cooked by myself tried cooking at first, it was difficult and had bad tasty the results weren't so good. My mother is a cook at a kindergarten and she taught me how to cook. Through many practices, I finally was able to cook delicious food., I practiced more and more and finally made it delicious. I invited my friends and we had a good time with my delicious foods dishes . It was one of my best challenges that I have tried before. Also, I usually make some cookies and share it with my classmates. Every time I bake and share it is good for me ("음식을 만들어 나눠 먹는 것이 좋다"라는 것은 새로운 의견이기 때문에 이 문단의 주제와 벗어납니다).
먼저, 이 문단의 주장을 "집에서 요리하는 것이 도전을 준다"라고 설명하셨는데요, "도전"이라는 것이 개인에게 적용되는 문제지, 밖에서 먹는 것과 비교하여 메리트가 있다는 것을 의미하지는 않는 것 같아요. 게다가, 문단의 마지막 부분에서는 새로운 의견을 제시하여 핵심에 맞지 않습니다. 전체적인 구조를 다시 다듬으시고 보다 좋은 예시를 사용하시는 것이 효과적일 것 같습니다.
As I mentioned above, I think preparing a food at home has numerous benefits in terms that house is cleaner than restaurants and during preparing food at home, we can challenge what we cannot do (먼저, 이 문장은 너무 길고 복잡한 내용을 담고 있는 것 같습니다, 좀 더 정리해서 써주세요 ㅠㅠ).
Conclusion paragraph가 갖춰야할 요소는 전체적인 글의 요약과 thesis statement의 재강조입니다. 무엇보다, 같은 내용이라도 다른 말로 표현하시는 것이 중요해요~
좋은 글은:
Addressing topic, Task
Organization, Development, Explanations, Exemplifications
Unity, Profession, Coference
Consistency in language, Syntactic Variety, Vocabulary, Grammatical Accuracy
들을 다 갖춰야해요
구조나 형식에 대해서 큰 문제가 없어요. 다만, 제시하신 근거에 디테일을 살려서 구체적으로 부연 설명해주신다면 더 탄탄한 글이 될 것 같습니다. 또, 좀 더 다양한 예시를 사용하시면 더 설득력있을 것 같습니다~ 정말 수고 많으셨어요~ 이상 갤러거였습니다 :)
Raw Score:
3/5 -> 20/30
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