There is an argument over the subject that has today, it has become more important to be connected with other people compared to the time in the past than in the past. I think the ability to cooperate with others is more important than today than in the past because the world's population is getting larger higher and higher and the digital devices divices are enabling us to feel that we are 'not connected' with other people.
To begin with, I think it is getting easier to have an argument or a fight with other people over small and trivial things such as noise problem, or a simple mistake. It's because cities are getting more crowded due to the increasing world's population and the peoples movement into cities. So As a result, naturally the density of population in developed cities is getting worse and worse. Especially in the era such as like this, I think that people need to sit back and relax, have time to talk or be more cooperative to the common issues. So this is the first reason why I think it is important to be cooperative with other people.
Moreover, due to an advancement of technology, people feel that they are emotionally imotionally separated. For example, one reaserch research indicated that Social Network Services and the Internet are the main reason why people are getting indifferent (about.. what?). You might think that advancing technologies will help people but actually, they are not. There is famous proverb that can be used in moment like this. 'Lonly Crowd' (?). It's from famous sociologist David Riesman. People who are is behind the mask of anonymity in internet becomes more aggressive. So this is the second reason why I think it's important to emotionally communicate keep imotionally close with someone else.
In summarize, I think that the importance of being cooperative with someone has increased because of the world's growing population is leading people to be more competitive and varying advanced technologies are enabling people to be more detached emotionally.
전반적인 essay의 tone이 informal한 감이 있습니다. So, thing, 등의 단어들은 가능한 사용하지 않는 게 좋습니다. 그 뿐만 아니라 일반동사를 그냥 써서 말할 수 있는 부분에서도 계속 수동적인 표현으로 사용 하고 있어요. Academic Essay를 쓸 때는 수동적인 말투보다 능동적인 말투를 사용하는 게 좋습니다. 그리고 문장 구성이 어색한 부분이 굉장히 많아요. 다시 한번 글을 읽어보면서 에세이를 능동적 tone으로 바꾸고 문장구성이 어색한 부분을 수정 해 보시는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 그리고 첫번째 이유와 두번째 이유 모두 잘 support 되는 것 같지 않아요. 뭔가 마무리가 급하게 마감되는 느낌입니다. +)스펠링 체크 꼭 하세요.