There is an argument over whether being different from others is helpful for achieving success. Some people might believe that there is other ways to lead to success.(other way가 존재한다고 말할 수 있겠지만 보다 상반된 의견을 뚜렷히 피력하려면 다른사람과 다른점을 가지는 것은 성공을 갖게하는 요소가 아니다 라고 하는 주장이 조금더 좋아보이네요 ^^) My view, however, is that being different from other people is beneficial to make a lot of money. This is largely because unique characteristic enables people to achieve success.(Thesis 혹은 토픽 자체를 이유로 들을수는 없습니다, 또한 Introduction에서 이유를 설명할 필요는 없습니다. 간단히 2가지 요소가 내가 주장하는 이유이다 라고 간단히 state 해주는 것이 보기 좋아보이네요.) Moreover, today's job market requires people to have different advantages(=qualities).
To begin with, people’s special personality can encourage them to being(be) very successful. Difference gives you(=them) the ability to efficiently access a method with regard to some problems(deal with problems.). And therefore,(As a result,) people overcome the difficult situation with ease and for a short period of time.(=more easily in short period of time) Also, they are able to present solution. (<-Detail 혹은 예시 없음)As a result, those who have a special personality think faster than those who have not. (<-Detail 혹은 예시 없음)According to the(a) study conducted by a group of researchers at Harvard University, surveyed respondents are successful and privileged people who are in the field of their interest. A(The) study shows that more than two-thirds of surveyed respondents are good at a sense of creative ability. (According to 부터 시작하는 survey가 위 주장에 관해서 연결점을 찾아볼수가 없습니다, 또한 피실험자가 어떤식으로 분류되고 시험이 되었는지에 대한 언급도 없습니다.)
Moreover, these days job market make you(people to) have to get being different(be different from others). Today's society is more and more competitive compared with society in the past. In this situation, each personal manager in company only hires people with a diverse experience and technique. Consequently, people who have different characters and backgrounds can be hired a good company(hired in better firms). For example, my brother and my sister applied to same company. My brother prefers to travel all over the world, whereas my sister dislikes walking around a lot and making new friends(dislike보다는 who rarely travel around the world로 대체하는 것이 비교점을 더 확실히 해줍니다. 친구관련은 삭제하는것이 좋음, 연관성X). As a result, company’s manager(=employer) chosen my brother as a member of company(over my sister to be recruited). (왜 company가 brother을 sister 대신 뽑았는지에 대한 설명X, 비교만 해주고 결과로 바로 연결되는 진행방식은 점수를 받기 어렵습니다. 예를 들어서 "as the company expected their employees to able to create business plans toward globalized society, the company required them to attain knowledge and experience that derived from traveling. 과 같은 설명을 넣어주는것이 좋아보이네요) Also, my brother thinks that I had opportunity to pick up the member because of my diverse career. (이상한 상황전개, 문법 오류, 불필요한 설명)
To summarize, being different from others have a positive effect on your success in the future. Of course, other things, such as good impression and nice working capacity, can be lead to a person’s success, but I think that individual’s uniqueness is the most use of quality on people’s success(=the benefit of being distinctive far-outweigh the benefit of presenting good impression or having good working capacity when it comes to success in future). Additionally, there is society where job markets in the diverse field require people to have being different.(이상한 상황전개, 연관성X) All in all, the importance of having special quality cannot be underestimated in order to have higher quality of life in future.
전체적으로 문장을 Develop 하는 부분이 상당히 취약합니다. 예시와 연구자료 또한 해당 idea와 연관점을 찾아보기가 힘듭니다. 단어 사용에서 동일한 단어를 과도하게 반복적으로 사용하는 경향도 보입니다. 적절한 시제와 문장 구성력 자체는 괜찮습니다. Introduction에서 money를 언급했는데 Body 어디에서도 돈과 관련해 설명해주는 부분이 없습니다. 에세이를 작성할때 그냥 idea만 던지지 마시고 그것을 뒷받침해줄 수 있는 예시와 자료를 넣어주시고 그렇지 못하시다면 그 idea를 아에 넣지 마시길 바랍니다. 또한 문단 끝에 문단을 간단히 summarize 하거나 그 결론을 써주시기 바랍니다. ex) This indicates that Topic ~. 이 에세이의 예상 점수는 5점 만점에 3점입니다. 혹시 학원을 다니신다면 template을 사용하는것도 추천드립니다. 위와 같은 topic은 템플렛 적용이 쉬워서 템플렛대로 쓰신다면 훨씬 좋은 점수를 받으실 수 있으실 것입니다.