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■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer | |
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▶ Topic :
Elementary school students should be required to take classes eleven months per year for a better education. | |
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▶ Your Answer :
Some people argue that elementary school students have to take classes eleven months per year for a better education. However, I disagree with this statement because I believe that doing so is not a time-efficient way in the long run term (장기적으로 봤을때 라고 표현할땐 long term이 더 어울립니다.) and that there are many other things that children should learn outside their schools.
To begin with, this policy will encourage parents to send their children to lots of private academic institutions. This is because the increase of the increasing (increasing이라는 단어 하나로 더 간결하고 확실히 표현가능 합니다.) number of the schools means that students should learn more. The important thing is that the young students can be exhausted because of too much quantity of learning. Let’s Let us (에세이에서 let's라는 단어 자체가 그렇게 좋은 단어가 아닙니다. 에세이의 특성상 문장 표현이 좀 더 무겁고 전문적이어야 하는데 let's는 일상 대화나 발표와 같은 상황에서 더 많이 쓰입니다. 꼭 쓰셔야한다면 Let us 라고 풀어서 쓰는게 좋습니다.) take my cousin for an example. He was a promising student in his elementary school. His grades were excellent and he loved studying. However, his mother wanted him to learn more things so she sent him to over 5 institutions. He was only 12 then. Year after year, he felt got (feel tired는 말 그대로 피곤함을 느끼는것입니다. get tired, 혹은 get sick of이라고 표현해주시는게 질리다 라는 뜻이 됩니다.) tired of studying. Eventually, he announced his parents that he would not study any more anymore (anymore은 한 단어입니다.) from that time when he entered his high school. He told me because he learned a lot and studied a lot during his elementary school, he now wanted to rest. If the number of days in schools days increases, there will be more students such as like my cousin. will increase. (increase를 쓰실땐 증가하는 대상이 숫자의 형태여야 합니다. the number of students will increase라고 해주시는 것도 한 방법이지만 if 구문에 the number가 이미 들어가있기에 there로 표현했습니다.)
On top of that, young students need time for diverse experiences outside the classes and these activities are possible during a long vacation. Moreover, things they learn and experience during the vacation may motivate students to study. Let’s Let us take my experience for an example. When I was an elementary school student, I really hated all history classes. (all이 들어가면 대상은 무조건 복수형이 되어야 합니다.) However, my attitude was (change는 수동태의 의미로도 쓰일수 있습니다.) changed after I traveled Europe for 1 month. during a vacation. During the vacation, my interest in Europian history grew so much that it made me decide to concentrate on school’s global history class. If I had had no did not have time for the trip and just had to study at school continuously, I could not have not even (not의 위치는 조동사 뒤 입니다.) resolved to study harder in history classes.
To sum up, spending 11 months in school will just increase the pressure of studying for young students and limit the chances for them to learn outside their schools. Thus, I strongly argue that elementary schools should not require students to take classes for 11 months per year. | |
안녕하세요 에세이 잘 읽었습니다.
에세이의 시작은 좋았지만 본론에서 이유의 설명, 그리고 마무리가 약간 아쉬운 느낌이 있습니다.
예시가 너무 사적이어서 그런지 '그럴수도 있겠구나'라는 생각만 들지 '그렇구나'라는 생각까지는 안드는 그런 느낌입니다. 결론에서는 주제와 이유의 언급이 이루어 졌지만 마지막 마무리가 조금 아쉬운 느낌입니다. 조금 더 임팩트 있는 마무리가 있다면 더 좋을것 같습니다. 그 외 본문의 첨삭은 빨간 글씨로 설명드렸으니 훑어보도록 하세요 ^^
수고하셨습니다. 화이팅하세요!