It is better to have friends who are similar to you than those who are different from you. Do you agree or disagree?
There are some people who strongly think that people should make a relationship with whom they are not familiar with in order to achieve more lectures (표현이 어색합니다) by knowing many other thoughts or technologies. However, in my opinion, keeping friends who are related to ones is more beneficial to keep relationship smoothly and, furthermore, have a great time in comfort. This is because, the friends who are like to ones are increasingly likely to share a common stuff and comprehend own thoughts (need a pause here) easily reducing unnecessary argument. (문장을 더 간결하면서 짧게 작성하시면 좋을거 같아요. 문단은 길지만 큰 내용은 부족하네요.)
To begin with, from the old school, people eat little kind of meals, wear simple clothes in microcosm (표현을 간결하고 쉽게 사용하는 연습을 하셔야 할꺼 같아요) and have same thoughts. There were not many different choices. However, in our modern and complicated society, as the increasing different type of people’s preference for satisfactory life, the trend strengthen people’s style too outstanding to not to get along with others whom have different taste. So that it is crucial to find one who have same interest. From my personal experience, I am glad to share my favorite things such as, shopping and watching a movie. However, after hanging out with some of friends who do not like spend time on shopping or watching a movie, I realized that there was not a middle ground to share to talk and was not fun at all, even though, they used to be my best friends. Fortunately, I found a friend who has same interest as me. Indeed, when we hang out, I always have fun with her sharing our favorite things. Thus, it is obviously advantageous to have familiar friend in order to gather (문장이 길어질수록 문법오류와 표현의 부자연스러움이 강조된다고 생각합니다. 문장을 짧지만 맞게 작성하시면 아이디어의 전달이 훨씬 정확해질꺼에요. 아이디어자체와 예제는 좋지만 더 정확한 설명과 강한 결론이 필요하다고 느껴집니다.)
On top of that, having a similar friend not only has a benefit to share same habits but also makes the relationship well. As usual, people who have same thought would be understandable with someone who has same theory. This is because, personally when people see one problem, they try to see through in their own opinion. Thus, if people get along with similar ones, it would be much easier to avoid a fight or an argument. According to a research by CNN, more than 90 percent of couples who have married with someone who have similar cultural background, are significantly satisfied with their own marriage. On the other hand, other couples said that they still struggle with narrowing a cultural gap and often have argument after being married. This is obviously true that it is hard to get along with somebody from different background and also cause argument often. (이 문단은 훨씬 정리가 잘 된거 같아요. 끝에 결론을 더 강조하시면 훨씬 좋을거 같아요. 또한 아이디어를 문제와 더 뚜렷하게 연결하는 방법도 좋아요.)
To sum up, I do firmly believe that there are a number of advantages to have someone who has similar background as a friend (결론이 너무 짧아요. 결론에는 위에서 제시한 내용을 간단히 요약하고, 상대편이 주장할만한 예상되는 아이디어를 제시하고 이것을 반박하는 게 고득점을 받는데 큰 도움을 줍니다)
(존경스러운 훈제연어님 format 좀 배낄께요)
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
22
l 주장에 대한 근거 자체와 설명은 좋고
l 그 근거가 main idea 와 연결이 되나
l 아이디어가 더 강하게 발달되어야 합니다.
l 문단의 마지막 부분에는 설명과 결론을 보충해 주세요
l 문장을 짧고 자연스럽게 연결되도록 작성하시는 연습을 하세요.
l 영어문법은 조금만 조심하시면 괜찮을 거 같아요.
l 그래도 더 자연스럽고 강한 argument 를 펼치려면 강한 결론과 자연스러움이 필요합니다.
l 에세이를 쓰고 꼭 여러 번 다시 읽어보시기 바랍니다
l 가능성이 아주 높습니다. 점수 금방 오르실 겁니다^^
수고 많으셨습니다^^ 꼭 110넘기세요! 파이팅!
고객님 이였습니다 :)