The rapid growth of cities in today's world is a mostly positive development for the society.
It is often said that the rapid growth of cities brings about a better life for people because it provides people who lives in cities with convient life such as easy access to the public transportations and socail facilities. However, I firmly believe that development in cities not always affects our life in a positive way possitive for our lifes for two reasons; developments cannot guarantee a genuine happniess, and the natural environment envorinment could be destroyed through throuhg the rapid growth. (빨리 타자를 치시다보니 그런지 스펠링 오타가 잦네요. 이런 실수 때문에 감점 당하지 않게 에세이 작성 끝내신 후 마지막에 꼭 한 번 검토하시길 바랍니다~)
(이유 두 가지 좋아요)
To start with, the rapid growth of cities does not make people happier. When we think of the live life in a developed city, the life seems to be full of enjoyments since there are more things to see and experience in cities,such as museums, movie theater, and pulic parks. Naturally, more people gather to the cities to live in, and the cities become more crowded and inconvenient inconvient. Also, The life in city gets are more competitive competative than life in countryside. (구체적으로 어떻게 비교할 수 있는지 설명해주시면 좋을 것 같네요) The mundane mandane life wear people out of their originality, depriving a quality time of friends and family. According to a the study of Seoul National University in 2009, the people living lives in Seoul, an typical example of a rapidly developed city, talk with their family members 20mins in a week on average, but people who live(s) in outside of Seoul spend 30minutes more on average. So, I think repid developments do not provide a are not providing happy life in the long run. (예시 구체적으로 써주셔서 좋아요.)
On top of that, the rapid development of cities causes damages on the environment. Needless to say, there must be some artificial artificail construction when the city built fancy buildings, stations, and libraries are built in the city. Even though these facilites enhance the quality of human life under the definiion of the mordern society, we should conserve the envornment for the next generations. Moreover, frequent interactions with the nature make(s) us keep in a good shape physically and emotionally. In my case, I used to go hiking on weekends with my father from an early age. When I see beautiful trees and flowers, I feel recharged with fresh energy. As the population of my town increased got grow, the citiy decided to make the public park behind of my house. Even my town gets more popular with the newly build fancy park, I was not happy and I started to be reluctant to go work out from that time. (예시가 조금 연결이 안 되는 것 같아요. 산을 가는 걸 좋아했는데 public park가 생겨서 싫었다? 그 사이에 산을 철거하고 public park를 지은거라던지 하고 연결을 해 주셔야 논리적일 것 같아요. 이 부분을 빼먹으신 것 같습니다)
To sum up, I think the rapid development of occring in the city has a negative effect on people's life and the nature. All in all, today, people are getting more aware of the importance of being more natural; seeking the newly developed things will become the things in the past. (결론 깔끔하구 좋아요)
Essay 0-30 score scale
Good (21-25)
총평:
전반적으로 아이디어라던지 전개 방식이라던지 하는 내용적인 측면에서 잘 쓴 에세이라고 생각됩니다. 위에서 말씀드린 부분 (두 번째 본문 문단에서 예시가 논리적으로 연결이 되지 않은 부분)을 제외하면 내용과 흐름에는 크게 문제가 없는 것 같은데, 문제는 스펠링 오타가 굉장히 많이 보였다는 점입니다. 물론 스펠링 오류가 조금 있어도 이해하는 데에 크게 문제는 없다고 생각합니다. 하지만 이 역시 많으면 감점 요소가 충분히 될 수 있습니다. 단순 오타인지 아니면 스펠링을 잘 못 알고 계신건지 잘 모르겠지만, 이 부분을 고쳐서 써주신다면 더 좋은 점수 받으실 수 있을거라 생각합니다. 에세이를 결론까지 작성 하신 후 마지막에 이런 오류를 검토하신다면 좋을 것 같아요. 수고많으셨습니다 :)
(첨삭 늦게 해드려 죄송합니다ㅠ.ㅠ 시험 잘 보셨길 바래요!)