Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? High schools should allow atudents to study the courses that students want to study.
In high schools, students are required to learn different subjects to graduate. This is because the school School wants to give students an opportunity to experience experiment every subject so that they can find out what they really want to pursue later on. Although(,) I agree that this can be advantagious to some students, it can also be a waste of time. (여기서 연결이 매끄럽지 못 하네요. 다시 읽어보시면 아시겠지만, 주장 부분이 빠져있는 느낌이에요. 위에서 it can also be a waste of time이라고는 해 주셨지만, 그렇다고 그 문장이 본인의 주장을 대신 해 줄 수는 없습니다. I believe that students should be allowed to study the courses that they want to study 라고 해 주신 후에 다음 문장으로 들어가주시면 좋을 것 같아요~)The reasoning behind this is that students can focus on subjects that they need, and their attitude will change once they know understand that they need that knowledge for the future. (인트로만 봐서는 이 두 이유가 비슷할 것 같아요. 하나는 집중을 잘 할 수 있다, 다른 하나는 공부를 대하는 태도가 바뀐다-인데 이 역시 태도가 바껴서 집중을 잘 하게 된다~는 의미랑 비슷하게 갈 수도 있다고 보입니다. 좀 더 다른 wording을 해주시거나 두 개의 구분점을 명확히 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 예를 들어, 첫 번째 이유를 students do not need to waste time on other subjects, and they can focus only on the subjects they like to pursue.같은 식으로 "시간"에 초점에 두어 써주시면 두 이유가 확실히 달라질 것 같아요)
To start with, students can be prepared for their future when they study what they need in high school. In most of the high schools, requirements to graduate is complicated. Students have to take courses even if they are not interested nor need that subject in the future. It is unnecessary and a waste of time for the students to even attend that class. When they choose what courses that they want to take, students will become more knowledgeable and familiar with their field of study. For instance, a student who wants to be a doctor can spend more time in science lab rather than in other classes that the student is not interested in. (여기에 like art or social science classes같이 예시를 써주시면 더 좋을 것 같다는 생각을 해봅니다^^) As high school is a place where it prepares the students prepare for the future, selective style curiculum can help the students be more equipped for later. (예시 적절합니다. 아이디어 전개도 잘 해주셨어요~)
On top of that, when students learn what is important to them, they will be more willing to participate in classes. In high schools, there are always many problems of students whose behavior is worrisome. The school official has tried hard to change the students' attitude but there wasn't any progree because students they are simply not interested. Students are actually interested in the work that they will participate later on and be more enthusiastic about their study. This (여기서 바로 this가 나와버리면 this가 무엇을 가리키는지 알 수 없습니다. Studying only what they want to study~같은 식으로 나와줘야해요) will effect the students and the teachers, and they can make a better school by a lot of participitation. Also, their grades will go up as students work harder and they are more happier with the situation.
Because selective curiculum can save time and energy of a students (뒤에서 them이라고 쓰셨으니깐 앞뒤를 맞추셔야해요) and gives them time to focus on their careers, I strongly believe that it is better decision for the students and the school. When one student finds his/her true calling, It will definitely improve their concentration and the level of devotion to the school.
Essay 0-30 score scale
Good (23-28)
총평:
잘 쓰셨습니다. 주장에 따른 이유 잘 쓰셨고, 예시 또한 적절한 것 같습니다. 기본적인 흐름이 몇 부분 지적해드린 부분 말고는 전체적으로 좋아요. 지적해드린 부분 같이 연결이 안 되는 점을 고치신다면 더 좋은 점수 기대하셔도 좋을 것 같아요. 문법 오류는 많이 보이지는 않았으나, S-V agreement나 article 붙이시는 부분 등 사소한 부분에서의 실수도 없앨 수 있게 꼼꼼히 검토하시는 것을 연습하시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다 :)