The purpose of television should be for education, not for entertainment.
Some people argue that television should only perform as an educational device. On the other hand, others suggest that television should include entertainment. I think television should only function as the educational one, not the entertaining one. (인트로에 군더더기 없이 꼭 필요한 정보만 들어간 것 같아서 좋아요. 여기서 앞으로 전개 될 내용, 자신의 주장에 대한 이유 두 가지를 소개해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다~)
To begin with, you should restrict the entertainment contents since they are responsible for there exists higher danger of addiction toward television. Since television offers exciting sounds and vivid images at the same time, it attracts viewer's attention much more easily that the other devices. It means that if you use the television as the tool for entertainment of fun, people will be addicted to the television even more deeply. This can lead to the television addiction problem. In order to prevent this illness, it is required to limit the part function of the television which causes addicition to make them less attractive. For instance, according to a the recent study, among children under the age of 10, about 25% of the them are suffering from ADHD which represents lack of ability to concentrate on something. Many scientists argue that this increasing percentage of this illness is attributed attributes to TV addiction to the television. Since young children are were more exposed to television and spend more time watching it more often than before, they are getting more became addicted to the television(, )and they suffer from ADHD, in turn. To prevent these side effects or illness, it is important to restrict the TV's function of entertainment. (예시 적절한 것 같습니다. 그런데 addiction에서 한 발 더 나아가서 ADHD를 말씀해주셨는데, 그러면 문제가 단순히 중독이 아니라 ADHD를 만들기 때문인 건가요?
addiction문제에서 조금 더 나아가 왜 addiction이 나쁜것인지,(단순히 TV 중독은 나쁘다-는 공식보다는 이것이 어떤 현실적 문제를 일으키는지) 그리고 그 이유 중 하나가 ADHD이다~라는 식으로 한 줄 정도로 연결해주는 문장을 써주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다~!)
Secondly, due to the frequent use of violent images in the entertainment contents, they give off negatives effects, so they should be prohibited. When TV's they carry violent images it makes children more violent and aggressive. Also, this is not good for adults because when you are exposed to the violent or crime scenes, you might think the crime as a natural one or something they are used to friendly, and this enhances the ratio of crime even further. For instance, if you look at the entertaining movies or films, you can find a lot(s) of violence and crime scenes. Most of the famous Hollywood movies contains scenes of explosion, killing people, beating, and torturing. Since they are more appealing to the viewers, production company puts more violent images, and this leads to negative impact both on children and adults. (좋아요. 그런데 entertainment적인 것에는 폭력적인 장면이 많이 들어가나요? 그런 것 보다 웃기거나 흥미를 유발하는 장면이 더 일반적인 entertainment라고 생각되지 않을까요? 조금 더 논리적이게 만들기 위해서 entertainment와 violent images를 연결시키는 문장을 추가해주시길 바랍니다^^)
To sum up, television should not convey entertainment stuff because it has higher chance of making people be being addicted to television, and it gives bad influence on both children and adults. It is our duty to make the restricted function of television not to be governed by the television.
Essay 0-30 score scale
Fair-Good (20~25)
총평:
에세이 구성이나 아이디어 적인 측면에서 괜찮은 에세이라고 생각됩니다. 조금 고쳐주셨으면 하는 부분은 주장의 논리성을 높이기 위해 연결 문장을 추가해주셨으면 하는 부분입니다. 또한, 문법 체크 부탁드려요! 뒤로 갈 수록 조금은 단순한 실수들 (s를 붙여야 하는 곳에 안 붙였다던지 하는 기본적인 부분에 대한 실수들)이 꽤 많이 보였어요. 이런 오류가 많이 모이면 감점 요인이 될 수 있기 때문에 에세이 검토는 필수입니다! 다음번 에세이에서는 이러한 점을 많이 보완하셔서 써주시길 바랍니다~ 수고많으셨습니다 :)