How people look or dress is more important for success than having goods ideas.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
There has been an argument concerning whether how people look or dress is more important for success than having a good idea. Many people might think that having a creative idea is more important for success because the idea is rudiment of study. However, I strongly believe that people's look or dress is more important for success since people peolple often judge others by thier first impression and in our society, people who have spruce appearance are more likely to gain recognition due to lookism. I will briefly describe the reasons for this.
To begin with, relationship is highly significant factor for success. In that point, since first impression has a large effect on our relationship, it is also an important factor for success. By and large, the first impression enables people to judge someone having a prejudice so people can be considered by others negatively or positively. 오늘날 성공에 인간관계가 중요하다는 점이나 인간관계에 인상이 영향을 준다는 연결 등은 모두 좋습지만, 전달력이 부족합니다. 영어에세이의 두괄식 문형에 맞게 흐름을 다듬어주세요. <겉모습을 잘 갖추는 것이 좋은 아이디어보다 성공에 중요한 이유는 -> 겉모습이 성공에 중요한 인간관계에 영향을 미치기 때문이다>라는 핵심 내용을 먼저 소개하고 왜 성공에 겉모습이 중요한 요인이 되는지를 풀어서 설명하는 형태로 구성할 수 있습니다. For instance, when you meet someone first, if you put on a long face simply because you worked the whole night through, it is possible for someone to misunderstand about you. Although you do not have any intention to look displeased, others can already finish to judge about you negatively having no time for you to explain things. explanation. 사례 내용이 의미하는 바가 무엇인지 설명을 더 보완해주세요. 또한 사례 내용은 특정 상황을 가정하기보다 실제로 있었던 경험담이나 조사결과 등의 형태로 제시해주는 편이 신빙성 면에서 더 좋으니 참고하세요^^
Second, people not only judge others by first impression, also there is an overall tendency toward lookism. To explain, in modern society, people tend to discriminate against someone who does not have has not pretty or handsome appearance. 현대사회의 외모지상주의를 지적하는 것 자체는 reasonable할 수 있지만, 이것이 '성공'과 무슨 관련이 있는지를 설명할 수 있어야 합니다. 논제가 묻는 것은 '성공에 중요한 요소'인데 lookism에 대해서만 논한다면 off-topic이 되겠지요. 앞서 설명했듯 두괄식 문형에 맞게 문형을 다듬고 설명 내용을 보완해주세요. I will take my experience for example. When I prepared for an a job interview for the job, I had a friend who was preparing for the same prepare the interview with me. together. In the end, we took the an job interview and I satisfied my novel idea. 문장 내용이 잘 이해되지 않습니다. 전하고자 하는 내용을 분명히 할 수 있도록 단어 활용과 문법요소를 검토해서 수정해주세요. However, the result of the interview did not come up to my expectation. Only my friend passed the interview and I failed that so I always wondered about that. Then one day, we had a chance to hang out, and it surprised me that she excelled in self-management, while I had not been manage my appearance. The result was attributed to the fact that she excelled in self-management such as improving her appearance by exercise as opposed to unlike me. In this respect, one's look can play a big role in success.
As I mentioned above, I maintain my stance in favor of how people look or dress is more important for success than having a good idea. This is because people are is not only inclined to estimate others by first impression but also our society is overflowing with lookism.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–19)
두괄식 문형에 맞게 수정하는 부분, 논제에 대한 답변이 될 수 있도록 설명을 보완하는 부분을 중점적을 improve해주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 어색한 단어활용이나 문법오류가 많은 편이니 유의해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!