▶ Your Answer :
The majority of
young people in
early to mid-twenties are under illogical and stereotypical assumption that the
best way to reduce air pollution is for the government to raise the cost of
fuel. However, this notion should be thought in a different way. I believe that
air pollution problems do not cannot be solved by governments’ raising fuel regulation. because people already are got used to buy fuels(???). <(because으는 주로 문장앞에 쓰시는 것을 추천하지않습니다.)
Firstly, it is
essential to think about people’s habit that they are looking for convenient
ways. Last August,
I was highly active on Facebook and I encountered heated online discussion with
people holding different opinions.<(앞에 쓰신 내용이랑 뒤에 쓰신 내용이랑 cohesion이 좋지 않습니다)> Initially, I thought that the government
should raise the cost of fuel in order to reduce air pollution. However, upon further reflection, this
Facebook article and comments
led me to read relevant comments, which claims that even though the government raise the
cost of fuel, people will keep using it because they already got used to it and
they will continuously want the convenient transportation. This was quite an
issue for them because they(who are they?) live in the countryside and need their own cars in order to go to
markets or
department stores.
This was enough to change my initial thought and I learned that the air
pollution problems
will not be reduced by raising the cost of fuel.
Another
point that should be brought up is that it is not the best way. A renowned
social scientist in Korea published an online editorial last Tuesday, which
claims that the scientist and technologists are developing new machines that can reduce the air
pollution. According to the article, 62 percent of 100 professionals announced
that the new technology can be a method to reduce air pollution such as by using electronic
cars. Therefore, they said that for the government it is more beneficial to suggest to use that
technology instead of just raising the cost of fuel. This was exactly the same thought I had what I thought.
In To sum up, I strongly believe that the government doesn’t need to raise the cost of fuel in order
to reduce air pollution and it is not the best way either. I though to this, because of people’s
habit that they try to remain their habit, and the new technology that raising these days. I thought of this.
Overall Score: Fair (17~19) Comment: Because이라는 표현을 잘 사용하고 계시지 않습니다. 조금더 because이 들어가는 문장들이나 표현들을 보시면 어떤 경우에 쓰셔야하는지 도움이 되실것같습니다. 글쓴이의 아이디어가 좋고 잘 반영됬다고 생각합니다. 그외엔 글안에 있는 콤멘트를 봐주시길 바랍니다. |