These days, some
people take it for granted that a part-time job is unnecessary for children
because their parents think studies should come first. However, contrary to
this idea, I strongly believe that doing a part-time job helps for children. The rationale behind this is that doing having a job
helps them to broaden their perspective, and to
succeed in their future career.
First of all, doing a part-time job plays an important role in
children’s views. This is mainly because doing a part-time job can show
children to different cultures, thoughts,
and lifestyle that they have never known before because they can meet and
socialize with other people such as customers, co-workers, and managers.
Therefore, they can learn about an important diversity
of global society and take an intellectual growth for the future. From my
experience, when I was in college, I worked at a French restaurant. Although it
was hard to work because of unfamiliar
environments, I learned about a wide variety of unique regional cultures such
as music, food, and dialects. As a result, doing a
part-time job helped me to inform learn
information that I don’t did not know. Hence, I
could talk and share my thoughts that I learned at French restaurant with my
friends. Were it not for a part-time job, I would not have
learned various different looks in of society.
The second reason is that doing a part-time job is directly
related to success in their future career. An important reason is that students
can grow acquire
social skills and communication skills when they do a part-time job. In addition
to this, nowadays, it is necessary to work
because there are many competitors to get a job
in company. For example, my friend prepared for employment two years ago. He
did a part-time job while he is was attending school. Even though he was tired because
of a lot of loads of work, he didn't never
give up. It was is
because the music company where he wanted to enter gives extra points to job
candidates about doing a part-time job and attending school at the same
time. Due to this, he worked very hard, and was able to get a job in the music
company.
In conclusion, without any doubt, I firmly believe that the best ways for parents to help children to be ready for an adult life is to ask them to do a part-time job. The reason is that a part-time job helps them to broaden their perspective, and to succeed in the future job markets.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Fair – Good (20-27)
전반적으로 깔끔하게 잘 써 주신 에세이 입니다. 글쓴이의 주장도 명확하고, 주장에 대한 supporting reasons도 논리적입니다. Brainstorming을 적절하게 잘 해주신 것 같아요. 글쓴이의 생각을 문장으로 표현하는 데 있어서도 크게 문제는 없어 보입니다. 하지만, 부분적으로 문법적 오류가 있기 때문에 proof reading을 꼭 해보시는 게 좋을 것 같습니다. 특히나 동사에 신경을 쓰면서 글을 다시 읽고 수정해보시면 좋을 것 같아요.
수고하셨습니다.