Some people say that it is more important to maintain a good relationship with people than to study hard. However, I think that improving one's knowledge through study is more important concerning the fact that it is beneficial for getting a decent job and there are many cases that great idea does not accepted by ordinary people. (정확한 의미파악이 어렵고, case where idea is not accepted 라는 표현이 적절합니다.)
To begin with, specialized skills obtained from thorough study provide
people with more job opportunity. In this competitive society, getting a job
has become extremely hard especially after the economic crisis in 2008. For
this reason, it is required for the job
applicants to understand what the kinds of qualities are
required by companies looking for employees. Because companies do not want to
spend too much money to educate on educating the newly appointed employees, they tend
to choose the applicants who are well equipped with job related skills and
specialized knowledge needed to perform certain task. According to the research
conducted by Mistry of Labor of Korea, a survey shows that more than majority
of interviewers tend to examine the applicants' job related knowledge during
the interview process rather than their interpersonal skill. One of the
interviewers said that he wanted to hire the person who has the potential to show the best performance with the
great idea comes from in-depth knowledge rather than the person people who are well related can well
relate themselves with their coworkers who
usually make the atmosphere less competitive.
Moreover, there is a tendency that great ideas
are not well accepted by normal people before they are realized. (정확한 의미 파악이 안 되는 문장입니다. 글쓴이가 전달하고자 하는 내용이 무엇인지 알 수 없어요.) This is due to
the fact that it is very difficult for the people
who have such ideas to persuade others to follow their ones because
creative idea coming from huge amount of accumulated knowledge is very unique
and different from common sense. (문장이 장황하고
정확한 의미전달이 안되고 있습니다. Such idea라는 표현을 쓰기 위해서는 앞에 어떠한idea에 대한 설명이 와야 합니다. 전반적인 문장구조와 표현을 바꿔서
정확하게 표현할 수 있도록 해주세요.) For this reason, many prominent people have trouble relating well with
others. For example, late Steve Jobs who is was a former CEO
of Apple did not maintain a good relationship with his coworkers. When he
decided to remove all the complex buttons from the devices after studying
design principles and preferences of users by
himself, he had to be confronted with the opposition from others.
However, the person who actually made a great achievement and earned a huge
profit was Steve Jobs rather than his opponents. Therefore, considering the
fact that people with great idea has trouble in relating well with others,
spending more time on studying in order to gain insight will be
beneficial.
In conclusion, it is more important to study hard rather than to build a good relationship with others because job specific knowledge plays a significant role in getting a well-paid job and great ideas coming from thorough studying are usually faced with opposition from average people. In this regard I firmly believe that spending more time on studying is better than getting along with others.
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에세이를 통해서 전달하고자 하는 내용이 clear하게 전달되지 않고 있습니다. 주어진 토픽에 대해서 글쓴이의 의견이 어떠한지는 파악할 수 있지만, 문장구조나 표현이 적절하지 않아서 글쓴이의 의견에 대한 이해가 어렵습니다. 전반적으로 문장을 장황하게 쓰는 편 입니다. 정확한 문장구조를 통해서 문장을 길게 쓸 수 있는 것이 아니라면, 간결한 문장으로 하고자 하는 말을 정확하게 전달하는 것이 훨씬 좋습니다. 글의 이해도를 높여서 글쓴이의 의견이 좀 더 설득력 있어질 수 있도록 해보세요.
수고하셨습니다.