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■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer | |
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▶ Topic : Parents should give money to their children for high grades they get at school. Do you agree or disagree. | |
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▶ Your Answer :
There is an argument on whether parents should encourage their children to get higher (더 높은 점수를 받는다는 것이 흐름상 더 잘 어울릴거 같습니다.) grades using monetary reward. Some people say that money can be a good motivator. My view, However, is that parents should not give money to their children for higher grades in school for with the two reasons. First, the effect of money have not long term effect on encouraging children to study. Second, monetary rewards have a negative effect on developing emotional and ethical health of children.
To sum up, To begin with, (To sum of은 결론에 어울리는 말입니다.) money cannot be a the perfect solution to encourage children to study and get higher grades at school in the long-term view. In general, giving money to children for higher test scores at exam (test score에 시험이라는 뜻이 이미 나왔습니다.) looks like a perfect solution for their parents. However, children lose their interest to study right after getting money from their parents. children. (아이들이 아이들에게서 돈을 받는다는건 삥뜯는다는 이야기겠죠? 실수 조심하세요) In other words, money only have has (money 는 단수형입니다) short term effect on leading children to study hard. To be specific, let me give you child of my cousin my cousin's child for as an example. (사촌은 무언가를 소유할수 있는 인격체이므로 cousin's child라고 표현합니다.) The child's main interest was to play computer games. Therefore, my cousin encouraged his child to study hard for good grades by using money as a reward of good performance at the school. At first, the child seemed to study hard; however, right after getting money from my cousin, he didn't not (에세이에서 줄임표현은 안쓰는게 좋습니다.) study anymore. any more. (anymore은 한 단어입니다.) In the long-term view, monetary rewards cannot be a solution to make children to study hard for good performance at the school.
Moreover, giving money to child for their good performance at schools (at a school이 되던가 at schools가 되어야합니다.) tends to mar their emotional feeling about money. Generally, children tend to learn from their experience. If parents give money to their children easily for the children's grades, children might think only studying is the best only (only는 최상급 형용사와 함께 안쓰는게 좋습니다.) way to obtain money. In other words, monetary rewards will (monetary rewards는 부정적인 효과를 이끌어 낼것이다 라는 의미이기에 will이나 would가 들어가야 합니다.) lead derive negative effects on ethical knowledge. Study conducted by Harvard University shows that students who are (수동태에서 과거분사는 홀로 쓰일수 없습니다.)given money from their parents as rewards of for high grades have a tendency to ignore students who have low grades and few money. The study also states that the monetary rewards from parents have adverse effect on children's emotional and ethical health. In this regards, parents should not give money to their children for any good reasons.
To sum up, I strongly believe that parents should not give money to their children for high grades in school for the two reasons that I have mentioned above. First, money cannot be a perfect solution to encourage children to study and get high grades at school in the long term. Second, giving money to child for their good performance at school tends to mar their emotional feeling about money | |
안녕하세요 에세이 잘 읽었습니다 =)
구조 자체는 잘 나눠져있습니다만 결론에서 마지막에 에세이 전체를 마무리하는 한 문장이 더 있었더라면 좋았을것 같네요 ^^
몇몇 문법오류는 본문에 직접 고치고 설명드렸으니 체크해보시도록 하세요 =)
수고하셨습니다!