▶ Your Answer : Nowadays, competitions in school among students are getting tougher and tougher, students are spending more and more time in school handling their too much schoolwork. In accordance with this tendency, some people even insist that the period for formal classes should be extended to 11 month a year. However I strongly believe that students need at least annually 2~3 months of vacation. I will discuss about this opinion in further details below. 저는 일반적으로 본론의 내용을 요약해 언급해 줍니다만 이런 형태도 좋은 것 같습니다. 첫문장이 충분한 훅이 된 것 같아요. First of all, I think that break times like vacations are essential for students to enhance their ability to concentrate on their study with the best energy. This is because people are usually become exhausted when they drive themselves to continuously work. This tiring comes from too heavy tension from ceaseless working or studying. According to a research done by researchers in Seoul National University analyzed student performances->students performance라고 쓰셨던데 복합명사는 앞 명사에서 s못 쓰는거 아시죠?.., in->at the beginning of a->the semester, in the middle of a->the semester, and in the end of a->the semester by making the same list of vocabularies during the same amount of time.->by making them take vocabulary tests having similar level of difficulties each time. The result of this research showed that most of the students remembered the most number of vocabularies->got the highest score when they participated in this experiment in->at the beginning of a->the semester. 같은 단어를 세번이나 공부했는데 마지막 시험을 더 못친다는 게 좀 이상한거 같아서 비슷한 난이도의 단어시험을 치르게 했다.. 로 바꾸었습니다.. 그리고 in은,, at the beginning of the semester..를 더 많이 들은 것 같아서 바꾸었구요.. semester를 세번이나 쓰니까 좀.. 그렇습니다.. 그래서 According to a research done by researchers in Seoul National University analyzed student performances by making them take vocabulary tests having similar levels of difficulty each time three times a semester–at the beginning, in the middle, and in the end of the term. em dash 대신에 콜론 써도 될 것 같습니다..이정도 쓸 수 있을 거 같습니다..This is obviously thanks to->from 어디서 주워듣기에 thanks to 보다 from이 낫다고 하더군요.. 그래서 바꿨습니다. the refreshment they have got during vacation. Like this, certain amount of pausing of classes is beneficial for students to concentrate better on their study.
잘 쓰셨어요. 프루프 리딩 좀 더 열심히 해 주시길.. In addition, since, other than classes in school, there are many things valuable to learn in the world, vacation is significant time for students to experience those. Only focusing on schoolwork possibly makes students be innocent to->ignorant about many things which are significantly affect their future lives. This is somewhat abstract and I want to suggest my personal experience. When I was a elementary school student, I used to spend my vacation in my grand parents' home, in country side. While spending time with my grand parents as well as with nature in there, I could have priceless time to think about nature and to observe lives of countryside people. Because I only saw->had only seen busy lives in the city where I live during semester, it was quite impressive time for me and I figured out how much slow life is enjoyable, although I was quite young. Still, I remind me->myself to live slowly whenever I drive myself to busy lives because I know how nice the slow life is. If I did not have enough vacation, I could never get this valuable lessons. Like this, during vacation, students can experience diverse lives and they can broaden their perspectives toward the world. 잘 쓰셨어요. To sum up, I have no doubt that there are much more things to learn outside schools and vacation is necessary to students. First of all, relaxation during vacation will allow students to concentrate on their schoolwork with better efficiency. Also, vacation will give chances to students to experience diverse things.
결론도 좋습니다. 시간안에 저도 님처럼 쓸 수 있다면 정말 좋겠습니다. 닉네임이 진실한독설가 이지만 님의 글에는 독설을 할 수 없군요. ㅎ 에세이 잘 쓰는 노하우 있다면 좀 알려주시면 감사하겠습니다. 며칠만에 시원해 졌습니다. 정말 마법같군요. 늦더위 조심하시길.. ㅎ |