Modern technology is creating a single world culture.
Some people agree with the statement that There may be pros and cons regarding the argument that modern technology is crea(s)ting a single world culture, while others disagree. I am in complete agreement with this argument. In this paper, I am going to elaborate on it with on the two strong reasons for my position. (다른 에세이에서 말씀드렸듯이, 자신이 후에 써내려갈 이유들을 소개해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
First of all, Modern technology is on the way of making one world culture. This is because we can be well-balanced about culture through modern technology. (여기서도 그렇고, 다음 문단 첫 문장에서도 그렇고, 문단의 첫 문장은 그 문장의 중심내용이 되는 문장이어야 좋습니다. 제일 처음으로 써주신 문장은 에세이 전체의 주장인데, 각 본문 문단의 첫 문장은 주장이 아니라 이유를 써주세요. 두 번째 문장으로 쓰신 'This is because~'다음의 문장이 중심 내용이라고 생각되는데, 이를 첫 문장으로 써주시거나, 또는 'Modern technology is on the way of making one world culture becuase we can be well balanced~~"같이 한 문장으로 만들어주셔도 좋겠습니다_) As we grow up, we are exposed to certain types of informaion and knowledge about culture, through education at home as well as at school. The problem is with this is that most of the information and knowlede is conveyed from one source’s particular viewpoint. In this context, recent technology can help us to be well-informed because they can offer a variety of information and knowledge. In my case, I learned about hollywood movies by reading internet news, which described the great achievements of hollywood movies. However, a few days later, my perspective on these movies could not be solely positive when I also learned from another news article that severe capitalistic problems were capatalism are expressed in movies and huge budgets involved by reading another internet news. Without the help of internet news, I might have held a slanted view of a world culture.
Second, a single world culture has been established by current technology. (위에서 말씀드린대로 topic sentence 고쳐주세요!) This is attributed to the fact that we can get the latest knowledge about culture, and thus be better-informed. Our world is evolving at a surprisingly fast speed. As a result, we may have difficulty understanding all of the changes and new events concerning culture. Given this context, today’s advanced technology can help us keep up with the current events by giving new information and knowledge of the world culture. In a survey carried out by Harvard University, nearly two-thirds of respondents felt that they could update their knowledge about culture and adjust themselves to changing culture and enviornment through internet websites. According to the respondents, these internet resources prevented them from being confined to an outdated view of world culture. It is no surprise that there has recently been a drastic increase in the number of people who learn about cultural knowledge via internet resources. (괜찮은 것 같습니다. 예시도 적절한 편이구요.)
Because of the reasons explained above, I strongly maintain that current technology’s impact on a single world culture should not be overlooked within the unique context of today’s society.
Essay 0-30 score scale
Fair-good (19~25)
총평:
1. 전반적으로 괜찮아요. 내용적인 면이나 구성적인 측면에서 무난하게 잘 해주신 것 같습니다.
2. 다만, 위에서 말씀드린 본문 문단의 첫 문장을 문단의 중심 내용으로 써야 하는 부분은 꼭 고쳐주시길 바랍니다. 토플 에세이를 채점하는 채점관은 몇 분 안에 에세이를 훑는 식으로 읽고 채점을 해야하기 때문에 디테일하게 읽을 수 없습니다. 때문에 채점관이 주장과 이유를 한번에 찾을 수 있게 써주시는 편이 좋아요^^
3. 문법 오류 고쳐드린 부분 체크해주세요. 조금만 더 꼼꼼하게 검토하는 습관을 들이시면 좋을 것 같습니다~
수고많으셨습니다 :)