Games can teach us valuable lessons about life.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
There are many games in our society and many people claim that games are useless and harmful to people, because they cause a variety of problems. However, in my opinion, games have benefits which can help people to develop the ability of making a plan, and they can also help children learn rules in our society.
First of all, games teach us the ability to develop a strategy. People cannot live without planning because they would never know what will happen in the future. So People have to prepare the future by developing a strategy. To do this, people should learn what will happen if they behave in a certain way, and make a plan to achieve a goal. Games teach us the ability to make a plan. game이 계획하는 능력을 길러준다는 idea와 계획이 중요한 life lesson이라는 설명은 적절합니다. 그러나 이 부분에서 이 내용보다도 중요한 설명은 game을 통해 어떻게 계획하는 법을 배울 수 있는가 하는 부분입니다. 게임을 하면 왜, 어떻게 계획능력을 배울 수 있는가에 대한 설명을 1-2문장 정도 더 보완해주세요. For example, in a chess game, players should be prudent when they make a decision, because one mere mistake can bring serious problems which can lead to lose. Consequently, the player needs need to predict the next step before acting and make a strategy to win the game. This predicting and planning can be applied in real life. In a negotiation negatiation, one can predict the next claim of others other and prepare for proper reacting. 적절한 내용의 예증입니다.
On top of that, games are one of good ways to teach children rules. In our society, there are many rules which people should follow and children need to learn those. They do not know the importance of rules yet because they are still young. Their parents and teacher can teach rules and their importance by words, but this is not enough because its impact is weak and its way is boring to children. One way to teach them rules is games. For instance, children love to play games and they are eager to achieve their goal in a game. By playing games, children get to know they should behave in a certain way when playing games, because they cannot achieve their goal by not following the rule. They also can learn what the result will be if they violent the rule because they will be receive a penalty for their violenting. In this way, children can the importance of rules naturally. 게임을 하면 어떻게, 왜 rule에 대해서 배울 수 있는가에 대한 설명이 아주 잘 풀려 있습니다. rule을 배우는 것이 중요하다는 설명이나 게임을 통해 이것을 배우는 것이 효과적이라는 내용도 좋습니다.
In conclusion, there are several advantages in games in terms of learning life lessons. First one is that people can raise their ability to make a strategy in life because games require that ability to play. Secondly, children can learn rules easily because they love to play games. In this regard, I firmly believe that games teach us valuable lessons to people.
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
여섯가지 항목의 채점 기준에서 살펴본다면 전반적으로 논리적 흐름이나 적절한 사례 사용 면에서 잘 쓴 글이라고 할 수 있습니다. 충분히 fair-good level 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 다만 코멘트에서 지적했듯이 주장에 대한 설명 부분에서 연결고리가 부족한 부분이나 직접적으로 '왜, 어떻게 그런지'에 대한 설명이 아쉬운 부분들이 있으니 이 부분을 보완해주세요. So, But으로 시작하는 구어적 표현보다는 Therefore, However, Hence 등 가능한 문어체 표현을 써 주거나 꼭 필요하지 않은 경우 생략하는 것이 좋습니다. 마지막에 문법오류 체크할 수 있는 시간 여유 남길 수 있도록 시간조절하면서 다양한 주제로 연습해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!