▶ Your Answer :
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Classmates are more influential than parents on a child’s success in school. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
Some people might argue that classmates are more influential than parents on a child's success in school. People who have different life experience could show different viewpoint about this issue. In my opinion, I certainly agree with the statement for two reasons. First, children spend all of the school time with their classmates so that they could understand each other very well to give a good advise for their school life. Second, a success in school is mainly determined by the relationships with the schoolmates. (인트로 이니깐 뒷부분의 내용은 조금 줄이고 앞부분에서 importance 에 관해 설명을 하면서 effect on different people 을 설명하면 더 좋을거 같아요)
To begin with, children spend their school time with their classmates, not with their parents. That is the point that (그냥 간단히 This clearly shows that 이러면 더 자연스러울꺼 같아요) only classmates could give an appropriate advice for a child's school life and protect each other from a failure in school. They take the same experiences and specific situations together in school. Therefore, classmates could understand each other very well and give suitable advises when a child has severe problem in the school. In my case, when I was a middle school student, I had a fight with one of my girlfriend (so you had many girlfriends at once?) . Since I wanted to solve the problem with her, I tried to get some advises from my parents. I explained my situation for several times to share the problem. Nevertheless, my parents couldn't understand my problem exactly because they hadn't known my friends before. Finally I failed to attain applicable advises from my parents. At that time, one of my another classmates gave a right guide for me. I could solve the problem with the classmate's idea and restored the relationship with the girlfriend. (내용도 좋고 주장도 좋은데 조금만 더 간결하게 작성하는 연습을 하시면 더 높은 고득점이 가능할꺼 같아요. 위에 설명이 반복되는 부분이 살짝 있어요)
On the top of that, a success in school is determined by the popularity with the schoolmates. Since a child spend most of the time in school with classmates, building a strong friendship with classmates represent a huge success in school. It can be inferred that classmate could be the most influential source of success. If a child fails to build relationships with the classmates, he cannot enjoy the school time completely. According to my memory, the best period during my school time is the second grade in high school. I had a lot of best friends in my classroom and we always shared memories with playing game in lunch time, studying together for midterm exam, and discussing each other's problem. As a result, I always wanted to go to school and my grade in the school was improving. I thought that I was really happy and felt a success for the period. (마지막 문장이 약간 어색하지만 주장과 내용이 자연스러워요. 윗문단보다 더 간결한 느낌이 나지만 사소한 grammar 를 신경쓰셔야 합니다.
To sum up, children spend a lot of time with their classmates so that they can understand each other very well. Also, the popularity between classmates is a key of success in a school. Therefore, to conclude, classmates are more influential than parents on a child's success in school. We can remind this wise fact from an old maxim, saying that 'having a best friend is the key of a success of life.' (인트로도 간결하고 좋아요. 시간이 남으시면 상대면이 펼칠 argument 를 제시해도 됩니다)
(존경스러운 훈제연어님 format 좀 배낄께요)
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
28
l 주장에 대한 근거 자체와 설명은 좋고
l 그 근거가 main idea 와 연결이 되요
l 문단의 마지막 부분에는 설명과 결론을 더 강하게 보충해 주세요
l 영어문법을 조심하시고 자연스러움을 강조하세요.
l 간결하게 작성하는 연습을 하면 좋을거 같아요.
l 에세이를 쓰고 꼭 여러 번 다시 읽어보시기 바랍니다
l 가능성이 아주 높습니다. 점수 금방 오르실 겁니다^^
수고 많으셨습니다^^ 꼭 110넘기세요! 파이팅!
고객님 이였습니다 :)
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