It is better to do work by machine than by hand.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
The intriguing argument thesis is that doing work by machine is better compared doing work by hand. These days many people have debated over this argument thesis since machine was developed. Some people argue it is necessary to restrict using machine because of a few side effects of machine. However, I firmly believe that machine benefits us definitely in various aspects. The rationales behind this suggestion are as follows.
To begin with, utilizing machine guarantees effectiveness of doing work. People with machine could get to make tremendous quantity of products in short term. It is a big difference with working by hand. 기계로 일하면 좋은 점이 명확하게 드러나고 있어 좋습니다. 논지가 더 강화될 수 있도록 '시간효율성이 특히 강조되는 오늘날'에 대해 간단하게 언급해보는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. For instance, one research demonstrates that rates of production of mankind exponentially increased 20-23 times at in the same time comparing than before production of industry revolution. This measurement shows us the machine enables people to manufacture products effectively. Also, It This implies that although there are a few maximal people, with machine they can produce goods much enough in less time. Therefore, there is no reason to doubt that working by machine retards enhances the productivity of goods and increase productivity rather than working by hand.
On top of that, another reason is that working by machine is much safer more safe than by hand. People are able to get to live longer after developing machine. This means that rates of people who die by accidents are decreased remarkably. For example, in one documentary on TV I watched, a super-sized building was broken down by fire accident in USA. But, In there, the robot came into the building in danger of remnants collapsing instead of a person and saved many casualties casualty then as well. Seeing this tragedy scene though, I could realize that machine has have saved a thousands of people in extremely dangerous situation. 위험한 상황에만 해당되는 내용이므로 논제가 묻는 '기계로 일하는 것' 자체에 대한 답변이 되기는 부족할 것 같아요. 기계를 활용해 일하는 것 전반에 대한 내용을 설명해야 하므로 (현재 내용도 논점에서 완전히 어긋나는 것은 아니지만) 좀 더 포괄적으로 적용될 수 있는 주장을 보여주는 게 좋습니다. 보통 기계로 일을 하는 것을 생각할 때 위험 상황을 떠올리지는 않으니까요^^ 꼭 위험한 상황을 가정하지 않더라도 전반적으로 일을 할 때 직접 손으로 하기보다 기계를 사용하면 더 안전하게 일할 수 있다는 점을 설명 내용에서 보여주는 것도 좋을 것 같아요.
In conclusion, doing work by hand is able to be helpful for people of course. But, doing work by machine is much more beneficial than by hand because of the aspects of effectiveness and safety of people mentioned above. Therefore, it needs to employ machine more for people working.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–20)
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