People learn more from their peers than those older than them.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
When confronted with a serious issue or problem, we often discuss with our friends and peers. Peers can be moral mental supports by empathizing with our feeling and situation. However, in my opinion, it is from older people that we actually learn something. This is because elders have better knowledge and more life experience.
To begin with, elders generally have more amount of knowledge than younger people. This is why we seek advice from the seniors including our parents, teachers, and so on. For instance, when I had a trouble finding job opportunities or prepared for a marriage, I always found valuable tips from my parents or friends who are older than from my peers. 간단한 현재 사례 내용도 좋지만, 시간 여유가 된다면 아래 밑줄 친 내용을 설명 부분에 먼저 제시하고 사례를 더 구체화해보는 것도 좋겠습니다. 나의 경험이나 보도자료, 연구결과 등을 인용하는 형태로 사례가 정말 있었던 일처럼 신빙성 있게 제시되고 구체적인 이야기가 될수록 설득력이 높아질 수 있습니다. Whenever I consult my problems with my friends about the same age, it frequently ends up at the same points that I thought about. This is because the level of knowledge among me and my friends is not different from each other. However, when I asked help to my parents or seniors, I definitely had better information and more solid options than before. The quality and amount of knowledge from seniors always positively impact my decisions.
On top of that, older people have insights from diverse experience, which helps us to find solutions to problems. Especially when dealing with people relationship matter, this insight can help us tremendously.
바로 사례를 제시하기 전에 내 주장이 설득력있게 받아들여질 수 있도록 더 구체적인 설명을 보완해주세요. For example, when I was having a hard time with my boss, it was always senior friends who helped me to find solutions. Since my work experience is not too long, there are a lot of times when I feel frustrated about dealing with relationship with my boss; I would find it is difficult to know when and how to report properly and accurately. Because senior colleagues had gone through the same cases numerous times, they provided me a feasible solution to the problems that I had. '축적된 지식이 더 많아서' 도움이 되는 body1과 '경험이 더 많아서' 도움이 된다는 body2의 주장이 명확하게 구분되도록 하는 부분도 신경써주면 좋을 것 같아요.
To summarize, elders have better knowledge and insights from their own lifetime experience. In this regard, I believe that we can learn more from the older people than our peers.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–23)
전반적인 내용 방향이나 흐름은 좋습니다. 논지를 더 강화하고 설명을 구체화하는 부분을 중점적으로 improve해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 충분히 더 좋은 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!