People attend college or univeresity for many different reasons. Why do you think people attend college or university?
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
There are many different reasons why people attend college or university. Some people say says that they attend to college since it is really important for students who living in a modern society and to attend college is widely spead in the world. However, I strongly believe that the most important reason why people enter the collge or university is for experiencing various things for the future and improving a good relationship skill.
First of all, people tend to think that attending a college or university is duty in life because a lot of people are entering college in every year. But it is very important to consider the reason seriously. From my perspective, one of the main reasons for to attending college is that 서론에서 이미 이야기한 내용이므로 불필요합니다. 첫 문장에는 두괄식 문형에 맞게 문단의 주제문이 제시되는 것이 가장 좋습니다. people are able to have a large amount of chances to experience various things. Specifically, not only students can take many kinds of lectures, but also they are able to attend participate in a lot of programs during vacation such as student's exchange program, internship or volunteer activities. As students attending such programs, they will be able to learn many things therefore it might help students to prepare their career for the future. In my case, when I was am in a university, I major majoring in media & broadcasting so I was able to get a chance to do internship in KBS, Korea Broadcasting System. , so I could experience many things in that company and I could learn a lot of things about broadcasting. 필요 이상으로 문장이 깁니다. 내용 단위로 적절하게 끊어주세요. Then I graduated from the college and finally I entered the broadcasting company more easily than others.
Secondly, attending university or college also gives give an opportuniy to develop a good relationship skill. Since college or university has not only has a large amount of teamwork activities but also has various kinds of clubs, . Therefore, college students have lots of chances to meet people such as friends, professors, some professional people and so on. Espacially, it is common in college to give a task that makes to make groups and work works together with team members so you can easily make new friends who have different major from yours. For these opportunities, you are able enable to develop your social skills for relationship that might be helpful to your social life even after you graduate from the university. 적절한 idea와 설명입니다. 구체적인 사례 내용으로 주장의 설득력을 높이는 편이 더 좋으니 설명 내용을 간결하게 정리하고 사례 내용으로 분량을 보완하는 형태로 재구성해보는 것도 좋겠습니다.
All in a word, students not only can have a lot of experience for the future but also they can improve thier interpersonal skills from attending university. For these reasons, it is important to attend attending university for me.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (13–18)
전반적인 내용 방향은 논제에 잘 부합합니다. 두괄식 문형에 맞는 흐름으로 문단을 구성하고 설명과 사례 내용을 적절하게 다듬어주세요. 과하게 내용을 덧붙여서 분량을 만들기보다 main idea문장/ 그에 대한 설명 3-5문장 정도 / 관련 사례 3-5문장 정도의 기준을 정해두고 시간배분 하시면서 간결한 <단계적 설명>에 초점을 둔다면 훨씬 더 좋은 글이 될 것 같아요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!