Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Young people live a more enjoyable life than old people. Use specific reasons and details to support your answer
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
It has been suggested that the life of young people is more enjoyable than that of old people. Although it is partly true that the life of old people seems to be more secure and diverse from different sources because they have more money and people sharing lives around them, I believe that it is hard to say that old people have a more energentic and exciting life than young peple. In this essay, I will present briefly two reasons supporting my idea.
Most of all, it is difficult to say that old people's life is more enjoyable than young people's one in that 밑줄 친 부분은 생략해도 좋을 것 같아요. 주제문에서 겹치는 표현 없이 간결하게 내용이 정리되면 전달력이 높아지겠지요. the life of young people is more energetic because most of them have full of power and in a good shape in life. Specifically, while fifties and sixties are a period during which people normally spend busy time seeing a doctor regularly, twenties and thirties are a period during which most, if not all, people are going outside enthusiastically and likely to do eagerly whatever they want to do. Many of those in early age can live their life more actively on the foundation of physical robustness as well as have more enjoyable time to pursue their hobbies such as wind surfing and mountain hiking. In addtition, constrasted with old people, who are frequently worried about their death in the future, yound people can live a much more phsically secure life without any kind of being sick. In this regard, yound people can also live an enjoyable life in some aspects. 신체적 조건이 더 좋아서 인생을 잘 즐길 수 있다는 설명이 적절합니다. 간단하게 예를 들며 설명한 부분도 좋지만, 신빙성을 갖는 보도자료나 설문조사를 인용하는 형태나 경험담을 소개하는 형태로 제시하는 경우도 생각해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 사례가 정말 경험한 것처럼 신빙성 있게 제시되고 구체적인 이야기가 될수록 설득력이 높아질 수 있습니다.
Moreover, young people (live more enjoyable life than old people because they) enjoy the pleasure of life itself without thinking seriously where it comes from. To illustrate, young yound people in a sports game can be pleased with their friends' touch and encouragement, and young one they can be delighted with their dancing friends' gesture and smiling, not considering the degree of pleasure and condition on pleasure. In fact, enjoying life is mainly part of young people's peoples' daily life. Besides, they strive to enjoy their life more and more than ever before. All these are the enjoyment in life that people can have only when they are young. 주장이 다소 피상적이라는 느낌이 듭니다. 'old people보다 잘 즐긴다'라는 입장을 설명해야 하므로 old people과의 비교가 좀 더 상세하게 드러나 있다면 설득력이 높아질 수 있을 것 같아요. 현재 문단에서도 주장을 뒷받침해주는 사례 내용을 보완해주세요.
In summary, I agree with the suggestion that young people live a more enjoyable life than old people on account of the reasons that I mentioned above: Not only do young people usually live a more energetic life without worries about health and death in the future that old people normally have, but they also enjoy the pleasure itself on a daily basis whereas old people think seriously the source of pleasure.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–23)
기본적인 내용이나 흐름은 모두 좋습니다. 좀 더 구체적인 사례를 제시해서 설득력을 높여주면 좋을 것 같아요. 가급적 두 본론에서 모두 각각 예증 자료를 제시해주는 편이 좋습니다. 이 부분만 보완되어도 충분히 더 좋은 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!