*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요.
Nowadays, we can easily see a number of pictures in magazines and tabloids that show that celebrities are taking a walk with their pets. In many parks, there are also a lot of people playing with pets. I firmly think that this trend is desirable, since the relationship with pets makes people keep in shape and their lives dynamic.
First of all, having a close relationship with pets has a positive influence on both physical and mental health for the people. This is because people, who have pets, are more likely to have opportunity to walk regularly with their pets, which is an important factor for people to stay healthy. 이것도 물론 타당한 설명입니다. 하지만 강아지 이외에 pet을 기를 때에도 해당하는 근거가 필요할 것 같네요. In addition, a variety of studies have proven that people, who take care for of their pets, (관계대명사의 사용법을 정확히 숙지해주세요. 관계절 앞뒤로 콤마가 붙는경우는 선행사가 항상 그 수식어와 동급일 때입니다.) are mentally healthier than people, who do not have any pet, because those people exchange dialogue and love with pets, so that they can relieve their stress by expressing their thoughts and emotions and feel less lonely. For example, my grandfather used to be a humorous and strong man. However, after his wife died, he was so depressed that he did not eat properly and talk much. Fortunately, after he started raising a little dog as his doctor suggested, he began to walk every day for an hour with his dog and become lively and talkative. If it had not been for the dog, he would not have been able to overcome the sadness and recover his health. 적절한 예시 잘 써주셨습니다.^^
Furthermore, having pets allows people to have much more fun in their everyday life. 첫번째 문단의 main idea와 차이점이 느껴지지 않은 idea입니다. 오히려 첫번째 문단의 for their free time. Although they can have fun by themselves through by playing computer games and watching television programs, the pleasure would not be sufficient, if they cannot share the happiness with someone. 과도한 콤마(,)의 사용은 글의 흐름을 끊고, 의미를 변화시킬 수 있기 때문에 주의하셔야 합니다. In this respect, being with pets itself can make people feel much better and people’s free time funnier. For example, one of my friends is living lives alone, since her college is far from her parents’ house. She said that she cannot adapt to the a silent home whenever she comes home from school and doesn’t know what to do after finishing studying her study. Finally, she began to raise a dog, play a ball game and take a walk with her dog whenever she is free. Thanks to the dog, she doesn’t feel her life is monotonous anymore.
In conclusion, I strongly believe that having an intimate relationship with pets is beneficial for people to stay physically and mentally healthy. Furthermore, people's lifestyle can be energetic with pets. On the whole, pets can be lifelong friends with people.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair ( 19-23)
우선, 질문에 대한 답변의 근거 두가지를 확실히 하셔야
할 것 같아요. 본론1과 본론2의 요지의 차이점이 명확히 드러나지 않습니다. ~ 라는
본론1과 본론2의 요지가 서로 배타적이지 않고, 오히려 연결관계에 있다는 느낌이 들었습니다. 큰 틀을 정확히 정하시고
글을 쓰신다면 훨씬 더 깔끔한 글이 될 것 같습니다. 첫번째 ida와 그에 대한 설명 또한 좋았으니 이것만 수정해주시면 훨씬 좋은 글이 될 것 같습니다. 또한 잦은 콤마(,)의 사용은 자제해주시는 것이 좋을 것 같아요. 수고하셨습니다^^