People who come out from their native village/town are more successful and happier than stay.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
There has been an argument concerning whether or not people who come out from their native town are more successful and much happier than those who stay. Many people might think that people who live in a native village consistently is much likely easier to be successful and to be satisfied with their life; however, I strongly believe that people who live far from hometowns have more opportunities to achieve their goals. I will briefly describe the reasons for this.
First of all, living far from a native town is beneficial for people to have the spirit of challenge. Although people who left their hometown frequently feel lonely and suffer from discrimination, it makes them more strong and helpful for them to develop their self-reliance. 구체적으로 고향을 떠나 사는 것이 어떻게 도전정신을 길러주는지에 대한 설명이 필요합니다. 익숙하던 것에서 벗어나 스스로 생활을 일구어가는 과정에서 새로운 것에 대한 두려움을 없애고 해낼 수 있다는 자신감을 얻는다, blah blah~ 하는 식으로 적절한 설명 내용을 생각해보시고 보완해주세요. For instance, I will take my experience as an example. When I was in high school, I had a friend who came from GokSung, one of country side which is very far from the capital in the South Korea. It made me surprised that he excelled in studying. After six months, his performance reached the top of those of all students in my high school. In this respect, living far from a native town is conductive to self development in that people can contribute to reach their goal. 서울에서 멀리 떨어져살았던 학생이 공부를 잘 한다는 사실은 '도전정신'과는 관련이 없습니다. 고향을 떠나 다른 곳에서 사는 것 자체가 개인의 도전정신을 기를 수 있다는 점을 support해주세요.
Moreover, although living in a native village gives people familiar environment, it also allows people to be lazy or to be afraid of something new. 새로운 것을 두려워하지 않게 되는 것은 도전정신과 큰 차이가 없어보입니다. body1과 뚜렷하게 구분되는 idea로 문단을 재구성해주세요. According to a recent survey conducted by UC Berkeley, the 75% of people who live in their hometown for the during their whole life say that they are not successful and less happy than their friends who left there. They claim that that is because living in hometown made enable them to pursue stable life only. Therefore, it goes without saying that the promising aspects of living long in a native town has have a negative effect on people. 고향을 떠나지 않아서 덜 행복하게 느낀다는 것과 새로운 것을 두려워하지 않게 되는 것은 전혀 관련이 없습니다. 우선 body1과 구분되는 새로운 idea를 정리하고, 그에 맞는 설명과 사례 내용을 연결해서 문단을 다시 만들어주세요.
All things considered, I reassert my opinion that to leave a native village allows people to have an opportunity to be successful and happier than those who do not in mainly two aspects such as developing self-reliance and improving challenging spirit. challenge mind.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (14–18)
각 본론 문단이 뚜렷하게 구분될 수 있도록 idea를 정리하고, 문단 내에서의 일관성(unity)이 유지될 수 있도록 신경써주세요. 개요를 정리한 뒤에 글을 구성하는 방식으로 연습하면 논점을 매끄럽게 전달하는 데 도움이 됩니다. 다른 분들이 쓰신 글이나 모델에세이를 참고하시는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!