▶ Your Answer :
There is an argument over whether
the most important period in a person's life is one's twenties. Some people
believe that the major period in one's lifetime the most crucial part in life (앞의 구절과 너무 반복되는 느낌이 있어 살짝 수정했습니다 ^^) is in one's adolescence. My view,
however, is that, the most essential time in a person's lifetime is in one's
twenties. This is largely mainly because young people's mindset is determined during in this
period. Moreover, people can have the opportunities to choose their job. Introduction paragraph의 구조와 형식이 아주 잘 잡혀있네요. 글의 도입 부분과 주제를 소개하는 부분도 자연스럽게 잘 이어집니다. 크게 지적할 부분은 없지만 thesis statement (주제와 주장 + 근거 나열)을 한 문장으로 표현해주신다면 더 내용 전달력이 높아질 것 같습니다.
To begin with, people are able to
form their thinking pattern perspectives ("thinking pattern"보다는 "perspectives"가 더 어울리는 표현인 것 같아 수정하였습니다) in their twenties. In general, young people can
have the chance to live more freely and more comfortable ("comfortable"이 가지고 있는 의미가 모호해서 수정하였습니다, "편하다"라는 것이 "자유롭다"라는 것과 의미가 겹치는 것 같네요) and as well as independent
during their twenties. Also, they can meet many different diverse people of different
backgrounds in their workplace or school. For example, according to a study
conducted by a team of researchers at Harvard University, more than two-thirds
of the surveyed respondents mentioned that their thinking methods("사고방식"이라는 걸 표현하고 싶으셨던 것 같네요) was were set when they are in their twenties. The study also reveals that people could can learn their sense of independence
when they were are in a university universities. They can provide one another with more
practical values and lessons of life when they are twenties. As the study shows,
people's twenties have an essential impact on their lifetime. 먼저, 이 첫번째 body paragraph의 주장과 근거가 굉장히 탄탄합니다. 제시해주신 예시와 부연 설명도 구체적이고 좋네요. 다만, 왜 20대들이 더 독립적이고 많은 것을 배울 수 있는지 설명할만한 논리적 연결이 부족합니다. 예를 들어, "20대들은 청소년기를 겪고 사회로 나아가면서 다양한 것을 배울 수 있다"라거나 20대들이 어떻게 이렇게 많은 것을 배우고 성장할 수 있는지에 대해서 더 설명해주시면 더 좋은 글이 될 것 같네요.
Furthermore, one's twenties can provide
people with the (one과 people의 지칭어가 맞지 않습니다) opportunities to choose their occupations. Generally, people
are able to learn the information about of their jobs when they are in a university universities.
In school, they can have the chance to broaden their horizon and have the
better understandings of themselves. In this way, they can prepare their future
and select their job. In my case, my parents always highlighted the importance
of choosing a good job when I was in my twenties. They said that they also determined their
future when they were university students. But they often regretted their
decision on the grounds that they didn't make prudent decisions and wanted to it was not prudent decision and they wanted to
decide their occupation again. As the example shows, it is vital for one's
twenties to choose their job. 두번째 body paragraph에서는 개인 경험을 토대로 예시를 들어주셔서 근거의 다양성이 있어서 좋습니다. 근거와 부연 설명 모두 충분히 잘 해주셨어요. 한가지 의문인것은, 20대라고 해서 반드시 대학에 간다는 법은 없기 때문에, 너무 편파적인 느낌이 있습니다. 대학 뿐만이 아니라 20대가 누릴 수 있는 다양한 예시를 들어주시면 더욱 좋을 것 같네요.
To summarize, I agree with the
opinion that the most important period in a person's life is in one's twenties.
This is because people are better able to form their mindsets in their twenties
and they can have the chance to choose their job. Of course, other periods also
have an important impact on one's lifetime, but, it cannot exceed the
importance of one's twenties.(이 부분을 앞에 언급하고 이에 반대하는 식으로 20대의 특별함에 대해 설명해주시는 것이 더 효과적일 것 같네요) For these reasons ("이런 이유로"와 같은 구절은 이미 언급하셨기 때문에 불필요한 구절입니다), people's twenties are the most
important factor in their lives. Conclusion paragraph의 구조 역시 너무 잘 정리해주셨습니다. 문법이나 문장 구조 상으로도 크게 수정할 부분도 없네요 ^^
좋은 글은: Addressing topic, Task Organization, Development, Explanations, Exemplifications Unity, Profession, Coference Consistency in language, Syntactic Variety, Vocabulary, Grammatical Accuracy 들을 다 갖춰야해요
주어진 논제를 잘 이해하시고 그에 따라 글의 구조를 잘 정리해주셨습니다. 문장력과 어휘력도 상당히 높은 수준이셔서 전체적으로 이해를 하기 쉬웠습니다. 근거도 다양하고 적절했지만, 너무 한가지 아이디어에 집중하지 마시고 여러 아이디어을 다 고려해주신다면 더욱 좋은 글이 될 것 같습니다 (특히 고정관념에 너무 집중하시면 주어진 논제의 일부분밖에 답할 수 없어요ㅠㅠ) 정말 수고 많으셨어요~ 이상 갤러거였습니다 :)
Raw Score: 4/5 -> 25/30
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