Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Students should visit some museums, like science museums, art museums and history museums.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some people may argue that students do not need to visit museums. However, I believe it is beneficial for students to visit various museums. This is because students can get a wide view (of the world) and improve their grades.
One of the strongest arguments in favor of visiting some museums is the issue of improving students' grades. Many parts of the contents of museums are about educational contents which are mentioned in the text book. It is possible for students who used to visit museums to get more backgrounds which lead to greater result in their grades. idea와 설명이 적절합니다. 교과서와 관련된 요소들이 학습에 도움이 되고 성적을 높이는 데도 도움이 된다는 논리 흐름도 좋습니다. 좀 더 내가 제시하는 이점이 강조될 수 있도록 교과서에서 글과 사진으로만 보던 것을 실물로 보면 훨씬 생생해서 기억에 잘 남는다, 하는 식으로 구체화해주는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. According to a survey conducted by the Education Ministry of Korea, there were two groups of students in relation to their rates of their grades. While students of A school A used to visit various museums as a part of its curriculum, students of B school B rarely visited any museums. The students of A school A enjoyed learning to learn materials by doing a study tour. The students of B school B only studied in school. After one year, the study showed that the grades of the students of A group A was is much higher than those of B group B. 연구결과가 주제와 관련해 갖는 함의를 설명하는 부분이 더 필요합니다. 연구자들이 이러이러하게 결론을 내렸다, 하는 식으로 박물관과 학습 사이의 상관관계를 설명하거나 / 정말로 박물관 견학이 학습에 도움이 된다는 것을 알 수 있다, 하는 식으로 마무리해서 main idea와의 연관성을 보여주는 것이 좋습니다.
Improving grades is not the sole justification for visiting museums, however; there is also the issue of gaining a wider view. In many museums, there are hundreds of contents and information from various countries. It allows is allow students to learn numerous knowledge from many countries. Thus, they can think wider than before by understanding those the knowledge. 적절한 idea와 설명입니다. Let me explain with a personal example. When I was in high school, there was a an assignment to visit an art museum in the town. Since I had no idea about the fields, I had only expected to learn the concept of arts. Interestingly, there were not only arts of Korea, but also arts of various Asia countries. I could learn learned the many different types of arts among those countries and became interested in Asia's arts and even more their culture. Since then I have studied Asian culture, I become have having a wider view on the Asian world. 주장을 뒷받침하기에 알맞은 내용의 사례입니다. 마찬가지로 이 사례가 주장과 관련해서 어떤 점을 보여주는지 해석하는 문장을 덧붙여서 문단 마무리지어주세요. 단순히 관련 사례를 제시하기만 하고 마무리하는 것보다 '이처럼 정말로 내 주장이 맞다'는 식으로 논지를 한 번 더 강조하며 문단을 마무리짓는 편이 설득력과 전달력을 높이는 데 도움이 됩니다.
To sum up, students can improve their grades and get a wider view by visiting museums. For the reasons given above, I strongly believe that visiting museums is are beneficial for students.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–28)
논제에 대한 이해도가 높고 전반적인 idea와 논리흐름이 모두 좋습니다. 구체화해서 강조할 수 있는 부분이나 각 body의 마무리 부분에 사례 내용을 main idea와 연결지어서 논지를 강화하는 부분들을 보완하시면 좋을 것 같아요. 실전에서도 충분히 높은 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 문법오류도 함께 점검해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!