There might be some people who believe that strict rules are not necessary for children to obtain success in obtaining success. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for the two subsequent reasons. First, If children don't get strict advice when they do bad things, they could be a prisoner. Second, kids could have more chances to be rich with parents’ strict advice. (이미 이유에서 말을 할 것이기 때문에 인트로를 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다)
First, If children don't get strict advice when they do bad things, they could be a prisoner children can commit wrong doing. Sometimes young children could make a lot of misbehavior because they don't know well cannot distinct what is good or bad So parents should give them strict advice when they act bad behaviors and make them not do the same thing again in which parents should conduct strict rules. I could have a chance to get a study result about the parents who fail to advise their children in a good way. The study conducted with a prisoner. The researcher investigated their parent's action against their misbehavior. The result could be easily imaginable. Their parents didn't did not (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다) give them a proper hard time. Also, the study shows that their parents gave them advice for the first time when they did bad things. However, after second, third and fourth, as the same bad behavior they did, they didn't give any advice because they were exhausted to talk parents did not give proper advice.
Second, kids could have more chances to be rich with parents’ strict advice. The good kids are always willing to follow their parent's advice happily. At the result As a result, they could enter the greatest university in their nation. Also, It makes them enter the good company. The good company guarantees the stable long term working period and high salaries. Under this condition, they could save a great number of money. Recently, I saw a survey conducted by the Korea Enterprise Union just to the owner of large companies in Korea. They consistently said that their parent was strict to their bad behaviors. Even they did the same bad things repeatedly.
To sum up, parent's free rules could make their children be a prisoner and strict rules could make their children be rich. In this regard, parents should set strict rules for their children If they want them to succeed in life.
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각 단락이 서로 문제를 가지고 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 첫 번째 단락 같은 경우는 어색한 표현들이 많습니다. 이러한 어색한 표현들은 에세이 플로우로 하여금 방해를 줍니다. 따라서 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째 단락 같은 경우는 너무 내용이 부족합니다. 좀 더 구체적으로 자신의 정보를 더 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.