▶ Your Answer :
There might be some people who believe that recommendation from
friends and information from magazines are the greatest impacts on their choices
when people consider a major purchase. However, I personally believe that
reviews from online communities have the greatest impact on the purchase for
two subsequent reasons. First, I could get many kinds of pros and
cons through online communities. Second, it is convenience for me. (이미 밑에서 이유들을 설명을 할 것이기 때문에 굳이 인트로를 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다)
To
begin with, I could get many kinds of pros and cons from internet communities.
They have diverse people from different countries. It means that I could As a result I could receive variety aspect of the product from thousands of different eyes. Then It
would help me to figure out exactly about the product what I want to buy which would help me to figure what to buy. I
want to give my experience as an example. Last year For example, last year (I want to ~같은 표현은 구어체이기 때문에 적절하지가 않습니다) I changed my cell phone to
Iphone XR. Before the product released, I joined an internet community because I
was in trouble to choose in choosing between Iphone XS and XR. However, I could get a piece of information that Iphone XS had some problem in the modem and also sometimes the
ambled display made some people' eye soar. With beneficial information, I could
make my mind to buy Iphone XR.
On
top of that, it is convenient for me to get help from online communities. These
days I spend most of my time studying and working every day. In this reason, I
am so busy for a meeting my friend and going to the library to see the magazine. This
phenomenon is not just for me. The recent survey from Korean Customer Union, it
says that 85 percent of customer refer to the online communities before they
make a decision. And 70 percent of the customer who makes a decision get the
information from internet communities.
To sum up, getting many kinds of pros and cons and the aspect of
convenience, I think the reviews from online communities have the greatest
impact on people’ choice.
점수: 23 일단 두 번째 단락은 명확하게 설명을 못하는 것 같습니다. 이 단락을 통하여서 왜 온라인 리뷰가 좋은지 전혀 파악할 수 가 없었습니다. 따라서 이 단락에서는 좀 더 명확하게 자신의 주장을 전달하는 것이 좋을 거 같습니다. 또한 각 단락에서 적절하지 않는 표현들이 등장하니 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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