▶ Your Answer : In our society, there are many different companies around us and people work for them. Regardless of the kind of companies, they have some duties. One of the duties is to hire employees . I will explain why businesses should hire employees. To begin with, hiring workers is one of the biggest social responsibilities of businesses. To be more specific, businesses have to do something right for the society, and employment is the one thing. For example, if businesses do not employ workers, it will lead to increasing unemployment rate and economic crisis. This is because as unemployment issue get severe, people's income will decrease (왜 decreas하나요?? 예를 들어 직장을 잃지 않는 사람은 decrease하지 않습니다. general하게 이야기 하는 건지 누구 income이 줄어드는 건지 설명이 필요합니다) so that it will weaken consumption. In South Korea, Samsung is a good example of this. A few years ago, Samsung decided to stop employing people for its lack of budget. As a result, a lot of young people who just had graduated their universities were not able to be hired and this led to economic downturn in our country. Many experts and people criticized that Samsung was not doing its duties as a big company, and they asserted we should stop buying Samsung's products. Eventually, Samsung resumed hiring people next year. This example shows some effects that can happen if businesses do not do their duties.
On top of that, by hiring employees, businesses can increase its own profits. To up (you mean increase??) its profits, it is dispensable(indispensable아닌가요?? hire intelligent하는게 불필요 한 일인가요??) to hire intelligent workers because worker's creative ideas and thinking lead to the development. In South Korea, LG is a suitable example of this. Last year, LG planned to hire more experienced employees who have a large number of expertise and experience because it experienced the drop of its profit. During the hiring, LG successfully employed clever workers. Finally, this year, LG could achieve its goal to expand its market share by 30%. They announced that by hiring smart employees, it was able to prdouce electronics with better design, functions than other companies. This example demonstrates that hiring employees can play an important role in increasing business's profits and developing it. (앞에서 했던 말 반복 안해주셔도 됩니다)
Of course, there are also other duties for businesses. However, employment brings businesses a lot of advantages, such as the increase of profits and reputation. For these reasons, I believe that companies should hire employees for their entire lives.
전체적으로 문법오류가 굉장히 많은 에세이입니다. 제 생각에는 proof reading만으로 고쳐질 오류들은 아니라 아마 문법 공부를 더 하시고 문잘 쓰기 연습을 하는게 점수 올리기에 더 좋은 방법일 것 같습니다 또 어휘 오류가 (다른 뜻의 어휘를 쓰는 등) 많은 편이니, 어휘 연습/공부도 더 필요합니다.
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