▶ Your Answer : Over the decades, human have developed (develop이라고 하면 너무 긍정적인 이미지만 보이는 것 같습니다. 에세이 문장 첫 main단어로 쓸만한 건 아닌 것 같습니다.) the Earth in many ways. Of course, the development brought us huge merits. However, I think that by developing the Earth, it is being harmed very seriously. To begin with, due to the cruel development, many animals and plants are becoming extinct. What I want to say is that human activities demolish the ecosystem. One specific way of the development (what development? deforestation is not development) is the deforestation. In the Amazon, the forests is being cut for human's needs, such as constructing new buildings and tourist attractions. Due to this deforestation, a various of plants and animals are losing their habitats. As plants or trees are cut down, animals which feed them (무슨 뜻인가요?) become extinct. For example, in the Amazon, the number of Boto, the pink dolphin, is decreasing due to the indiscriminate (동사가 아니므로, 과거형 사용할 수 없습니다..문법 주의해주세요) development. In this process, the ecosystem is deconstructed so that humans will be damaged in the end.
On top of that, by developing the Earth, such as the increased number of factories, they bring about environment pollution. The smog, and water waste contribute to the pollution. In South Korea, there are many factories, and they can be a good example for this. In my region, Incheon, there is a factory, called Jinsung, which is dedicated for making housing products. Two years ago, the Jinsung threw away polluted water into the ocean so it triggered serious water pollution. It took many years and a lot of money to recover it. Once the environment is polluted, it is almost impossible to get it back. This example shows that the development by human activity can provoke a huge disaster.
이 paragraph정말 좋은데, 앞에 paragraph와 주장에서의 큰 다른 점이 없는 듯 합니다. (전체적으로는 environment이야기) there is no point dividing this into 2 separate paragraphs I am not denying numerous advantages of human activity. Thanks to the development of technology and science, human can live comfortably. However, the damages induced by human activity are much bigger than the convenience. In conclusion, I believe that the earth is being harmed by human activity.
위에 썼듯이 한 paragraph가 주는 큰 주제가 없는 듯 하여 그 부분이 가장 내용 전개나 흐름에 있어서 제일 아쉬웠던 것 같습니다. 또, 어휘 오류도 조금씩 보이는데, 어휘가 문장에 어울리지 않는 부분이 꽤 있는 편입니다. 문법 오류도 조금 있으니, 이에 대해서는 문장 쓰기 연습이 더 필요해보입니다. |