*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some people say that quality of public education has decreased these days. As a result, teacher evaluation evaluating system has been implemented in some countries to make teachers work more hard. In the same vein, some argue that the teachers should be paid according to how much their students learn. However, I am against the idea because it will give stress to students and evaluating how much the students have learned is difficult.
For one thing, teachers should not get different level of wages depending on students' performance because it will make students feel stressed. That is, in order to get more money, teachers will force students to study more and learn more even though they do not want to. Students might want to go out and play, but their teachers will make them to sit down and memorize what they have learned, which makes the students suffer from stress. 적절한 idea와 설명입니다. 왜 학생들이 스트레스를 받게 되는지에 대한 과정이 구체적으로 잘 설명되어 있습니다^^ To illustrate this point, I graduated from a private high school. Once, to gain reputation, the president of the school said that he would will give some bonus to teachers whose students got get good grades on the coming test. Since then, teachers so cared so much about students grades that they rarely let them go out and play even during at break times. I and my friend got really stressed out, and one of my friends even went to the hospital due to stress ulcer. As my personal experience shows, the idea of paying teachers in different levels according to students students' learning level will make students get severe stress. 주장을 뒷받침하기에 알맞은 내용의 사례입니다. 과거내용 시제일치하는 부분 유의해주세요.
Also, it is unfair to pay based on the level of academic performance because deciding how much students have learned is not easy. 문단이 새로 시작되는 부분이므로 대명사(it)으로 지칭하는 것보다는 키워드를 그대로 살려서 써 주는 것이 더 좋습니다. Some students are strong at exams that require required to choose choosing one option among several things, and others are strong at explaining and describing in detail about something. The criterion of for evaluating the amount students have learned is not clear. 평가기준이 모호하다는 내용을 잘 설명한 부분입니다. 평가기준이 모호한 것이 왜 'unfair'하다는 내용과 연결되는지 한문장정도 설명을 보완하는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. To support this point, a study from Korean Educational Research center has shown that around 90 percent of incumbent teachers think how to measure students' studying level is very vague. It also points out that students stuents show showed different levels of academic accomplishment in different types of tests. This clearly shows the uneasiness of deciding how much students learn. 사례가 뒷받침해야 하는 내용은 학생들의 성적을 평가하는 것이 얼마나 어려운가에 대한 것이 아니라 정확한 성적평가가 어렵기 때문에 성적에 따라(교육 성과에 따라) 봉급을 달리 지급하는 것은 불공평하다는 내용입니다. 내용을 더 연결지어서 따라서 unfair하다, 하는 설명까지 연결해서 문단의 일관성을 유지해주세요. 조사결과를 인용한 사례 형태나 내용 자체는 좋습니다^^
To make a long story short, the idea of paying teachers differently depending on their how much their students learn is not preferable because of stress students will get and difficulty in measureing the amount of learning. Learning a lot is not the only purpose of school. Why don't It is better just to let students to just have some fun at school instead of forcing making them to study more.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–28)
전반적으로 논제가 묻는 내용에 대한 정확한 이해를 바탕으로 reasonable한 idea와 논증이 잘 제시된 글입니다. 논리면에서 연결고리가 아쉬운 부분들, 몇가지 문법오류나 표현상의 어색함 등만 좀 더 수정보완하시면 충분히 만점도 기대할 수 있을 거예요^^ 반복되는 단어 사용을 피하고 명확하게 전달하고자 하는 내용이 정리될 수 있게끔 연습해주세요^^ 문단의 unity와 주제와의 coherence에 유의하시면서 다양한 주제로 연습하시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!