Some people may think that it is better to move one place to another than to live in one city or town. However, I disagree with this statement for two reasons. First, by living in one place, people can build up strong relationships with other people. Second, it is not easy to adjust yourself (yourself 보다는 oneself를 쓰는 게 더 academic 한 tone으로 보여요) to a new place.
To start with, when living in one town or city, you can strengthen the bond with your neighbors. As old saying goes, “A close neighbor is better than your brother who lives far away.” When living in a same community, people are more than likely to people interact. They talk, visit, and help each other a lot.
On top of that, it is hard adjusting to adjust yourself to a new place. When Moving away from one place to another, it takes great amount of time to get used to it. Also, it is even harder to be far away from all the people you know knew. For instance, Hyeon, a friend of mine, has lived in one town for 16 years. After graduating from the high school, she moved away from the town. When she entered the college high school,(앞에 high school 졸업후 이사를 갔다고 썼기 때문에 대학교라고 써 주셔야 합니다) she did not know anybody from the school. Everyone, except her, knew each other, so they were hanging out without her. Also, she wasn't aware of facilities of the new town. So she was lost and looked for a bus station for an hour. She says that she hated the fact that she moved away.
On the whole, when moving away from one place to another, people often encounter numerous hardships because getting used to a new place is very difficult. In contrast, when living in one city or town, people can strengthen their relationships with their neighbors. For these reasons, I firmly believe that living in one place is better than moving from one place to another.
두 번째 문단을 조금 더 detail 하게 support 해 주는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 적절한 예시가 있다면 써 주시는 것도 좋고, 한 장소에서 오래 사는 것이 어떻게 이웃들과의 관계를 더 돈독하게 해 주는지 좀 더 detail 한 게 좋을 것 같아요. 예를 들면 한 곳에서 오래 살게 되면 이웃들 끼리 서로의 얼굴을 익히게 되고 그로인해 서로 도움을 주면서 더 친해질 수 있다 라는 식으로 써 주시면 됩니다. 그리고 세 번째 문단에서는 예시를 쓸 때 실수를 하셨는데 앞으로 proof reading을 하면서 이런 실수는 안하시는 게 좋습니다. Logical 하지가 않죠;;; 그 외에 내용적이나 문법적으로 크게 문제되는 부분은 없는 것 같아요.