Some people think that short-term period vacations are better than a long-term vacation, and they support their idea by claiming that short vacations give students a break. However, I believe that one long vacation is more helpful to students, because in this long period, students can do their part-time job or study more steadily.
To begin with, if students have a long-term vacation, they can do their part-time job in the stable circumstance. Usually, the workplaces require students to work for a long time. Therefore, they prefer students who graduated from their college or take took their semesters off. As a result, students who are attending a college have hard time getting a part-time job. They only can work in during the vacation period. If students get short-term vacations, they will never get part-time job anymore, even in during their vacations. (never은 너무 강한 것 같고 it is harder to get a job 이라고 쓰는 게 더 좋을 것 같아요) For example, a friend of mine could not get any part-time job during the semester, because the owner of the business did not want a student who could not work for a long time. But he could get a part-time job easily in during his vacation. This example shows how better a long vacation can be is.
Secondly, students can study steadily in during a long vacation. Most students study to get a certification that helps them to get a job. But certifications usually require a long studying period. Thus, it is almost impossible to get a certification during the semester, because students are already busy studying their other classes. As a result, For instance, my friends studied the financial certificates during his semester. However, since he had little time to study in during this period, it he failed the exam whenever he took it. But he could get the certification at one trial during his vacation. This shows how a long period is needed to study.
In conclusion, one long vacation throughout the year gives students an opportunity to work or study. This is because, the workplace need one who can work for a long time. Moreover, students can concentrate more on their study during the long vacation, because nothing interrupts them. For these reasons, I firmly believe that one long vacation is more helpful for students than short vacations.
전반적으로 잘 쓰신 에세이 같아요. 아직 단어선택이나 문장구성이 높은 수준은 아니지만 실수 없이 잘 쓰신 것 같아요. 한가지 주의할 점은 계속 vacation 동안에~ 라는 의미로 쓸 때 in vacation을 쓰는 데 이것은 틀린 표현입니다. During vacation을 써 주시는 게 맞아요. 이런 점들을 유의하면서 다시한번 proof reading을 하면서 고쳐 본다면 더 좋은 에세이가 될 수 있을 것 같아요. 그리고 제 개인적인 생각으로는 첫 번째 이유는 strong 한 것 같지 않아요. 학교를 다니는 학생들이 아르바이트를 구하지 못하는 것이라고 하기보다는 아닌 학생들보다 구하기 힘들다고 하는 게 더 좋을 것 같아요. Long term vacation이 그 학생들이 job을 좀 더 수월하게 구할 수 있게 도와준다고 쓰시면 되고요. 수고하셨습니다! |