Do you agree or disagree that progress is always good? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Everything has both advantages and disadvantages. Progress also is not an exception. Therefore, I disagree with the opinion that progress is always good. The reason is are that progress has given us environmental pollution and extreme stress.
First of all, the most important reason for my insistence is that technological progress has destroyed our environment. Nowadays, we are now enjoying more faster and comfortable life style thanks to technological advances such as the invention of a car and a an airplane. However, these have created side effects, it is a well known fact that automobiles are main factor of air pollution pollutions. This is because they emit poisonous gas, when their engines engine are running while they are not moving. Therefore this is threatening citizen’s health in big cities. Moreover, electrical power which has made our lives more convenient is a main cause course of global warming worming. The reason is that the power plants emit carbon as by-products a by product when they generate the electrical power. In addition, nowadays we are building new cities in order to live more conveniently and to make more profits. Unfortunately, these developments have destroyed animal’s habitats and natural ecosystem. These many cases show that progress also has negatively effected on our lives. 발전이 환경에 나쁜 영향을 가져왔다는 주장을 간결하고 다양한 예시를 들어 잘 설명한 문단입니다. idea도 reasonable하고 논제와 관련지어 마무리한 부분도 좋습니다. 꼭 '왜냐하면 이렇기 때문이다'하는 연결구가 없어도 자연스럽게 연결될 수 있는 부분들이 있으니 간결하게 정돈하고 단어 활용을 다양하게 해서 흐름이 자연스럽도록 다듬는 것도 좋을 것 같아요.
Another reason for my argument is that modern people are suffering from much more stress then before because of the progressed world. This is because, we have to study more many things to adapt complicated society, and to use advanced devices. For instance, we have to study more many things for longer times to get a great job than before. This is due to the fact that modern society is becoming more and more complicated and globalized, so that we should be equipped with expertise and global language skills in order to getting a great job. 사회가 글로벌해지고 치열해짐에 따라 더 좋은 직업을 얻기 위해 고군분투해야 한다는 내용 자체는 reasonable할 수 있지만, 왜 스트레스를 가져오는지, 이것이 왜 'progress'가 가져온 부작용인지에 대한 설명이 부족합니다. [교통, 통신 기술의 발달로 세계가 globalized되었고 business world가 더 커졌다, 그러나 이에 따라 사람들은 경쟁상대가 더 많아졌고 그 속에서 살아남기 위해서 끊임없이 경쟁하다보니 사람들은 치열한 삶으로부터 너무 큰 스트레스를 받게 됐다]하는 식으로 연결고리를 갖춘 설명이 되도록 보완해주세요. According to a study conducted by the Department of Labor (of Korea) in 2009, job opportunities available to people who have only general knowledge have been dramatically reduced for last decade. The researchers explained that compared to in the past when economy was based on agriculture and manufacturing, modern economy is moving into the economy based on information technology industry. The researchers also pointed out that as a result of this trend trends, today’s young people have to study more special knowledge and skills than before for their future career. This study implies that progressed modern society stimulate people to learn more many things and to compete each other, which leads lead people to stressful life style. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다. 문단 전체에서 계속해서 '공부를 더 해야 한다'라는 표현이 반복되고 있는데, 경쟁의 의미를 드러내는 다양한 표현을 사용해서 다듬어준다면 다양한 단어 활용 면에서 점수를 cover하기에 좋을 것 같아요^^
To sum up, even though we have taken many benefits from progress, we also have suffered from environmental problems and stress the lose of humanity.*인간성의 결여와 스트레스문제는 엄연히 다른 개념으로 봐야 할 것 같아요. In this regard, progress is not always good.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair - Good (19–24)
전반적으로 논제에 대한 이해도가 높고 나의 입장을 뒷받침하기 위한 main idea들이 좋습니다. 이를 논증으로 풀어내는 과정에서 연결고리가 빠지지 않도록 <왜, 어떻게 그런지>에 대한 설명이 충분히 되어 있는지에 유의하면서 내용을 구성해주세요. 같은 단어의 반복사용이나 수량 표현의 문법오류가 조금씩 있으니 유의해서 다듬어주세요. 다양한 단어와 숙어표현을 사용해서 글을 upgrade한다면 훨씬 좋은 점수도 가능할 거예요^^ 문단의 unity와 주제와의 coherence에 초점을 두고 다양한 주제로 연습해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!