▶ Your Answer :
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Advertising can tell you a lot about a country
Advertising is literally, a way to give consumers the information about a certain product, conducted by sellers. (쉼표의 사용이 어색합니다) I believe that apart from its role to inform people about their needs, it also allows people to know a lot of things about a specific country by telling them two aspects of the nation- the living standards of citizens, and the overall development. (문장을 약간 바꾸면글쓴이의 주장이 더 강력해질꺼 같아요)
First of all, the advertisements can show the living standards of citizens. To attract more consumers, companies try to figure out what would be necessary for, or intriguing to most of the people in a nation. They also would measure to which extent most of the people in the nation can afford in order to adjust the price. Therefore, advertisements based on these facts can show the living standards of citizens ostensibly, while people's needs and incomes at large vary in different countries due to the difference in what is scarce. For example, advertising electronic devices such as smartphones is very popular in Korea. This is because Koreans are capable of buying it, and are indeed interested in them as most of them has now become familiar with these comfortable gadgets. However, in nations such as Sudan or Ethiopia, companies may rather consider products for basic needs to advertise, considering the living standards again. (설명을 더 간결하게 하시고 사람들이 많이 살만한 상품을 광고한다는 사실을 강조하면 좋을거 같아요)
Second, technology in advertising can show the process of the country's development overall. Advertising has developed by going through the process of advertising in person, printing quotes in paper and attaching them, and finally, advertising via mass media. This process was largely affected by the development of technology, and technology has a large impact on how people live their lives by lessening the chores and making it more comfortable. Hence, we can understand how much the country is developed by measuring the technology in advertising. (광고랑 기술의 발달과의 연결성이 약간 부족하다고 느껴집니다. 기술을 수입하는 경우가 대부분이고, 아프리카에도 tv가 많이 있기 때문에 광고의 질이나 광고에서 강조하는 특성이나 고급스러움에 대한 설명을 첨가하셔야 좋을 거 같아요)
For these reasons, I believe that advertising can show in which state the country is, hence tell a lot about it. (결론을 더 길게 쓰시고 결론에 위에서 주장한 의견을 요약하시면 고득점을 받으실꺼에요.)
(존경스러운 훈제연어님 format 좀 배낄께요)
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
26
l 주장에 대한 근거 자체와 설명은 좋으나
l 그 근거가 main idea 와 연결이 약하다고 생각합니다.
l 문단의 마지막 부분에는 설명을 보충하는 게 좋아요.
l 결론에는 위에 제시한 내용을 요약하는 방법도 좋아요.
l 결론이 더 강력하고 탄탄해야 좋은 에세이가 됩니다.
l 그래도 더 자연스럽고 강한 argument 를 펼치려면 문장을 더 다양하고 자연스러우며 부드럽게 작성하세요.
l 에세이를 쓰고 꼭 여러 번 다시 읽어보시기 바랍니다
l 가능성이 아주 높습니다. 점수 금방 오르실 겁니다^^
수고 많으셨습니다^^ 꼭 110넘기세요! 파이팅!
고객님 이였습니다 :)
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