▶ Your Answer :
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Parents are the best teachers. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
As we go on with our lives, we meet a lot of teacher or mentors on the way. They teach us academically and morally and they try to make a better human being. Although I believe that parents can be good teacher, I am not sure if they are the best teacher. This is because parents can be overprotective and also underqualified. (인트로가 아주 간결하고 강력합니다! 좋아요!)
To start with, parents can be overprotective of their children. Sometimes teachers have to be strict and tell their students off for doing something wrong. It is easy for a stranger to be strict on a child and teach them right morals (전문적으론moral 에는 right or wrong 이 없어요). Nevertheless, parents are different. They can go easy on their children because they get moved by their tears. For instance, my parent taught me how to ride a bicycle. When I fall down, my parents were worried about me getting hurt and they stopped teaching me. So I have no choice but to learn it from my brother, and I learned it more quickly. All in all, parents can be less strict when it comes to teaching their own child. (앞부분을 줄이고 overprotective의 단점을 강조하면 더 강력한 에세이가 될거 같아요)
On top of that, parents can be under qualified about the things they teach their children. Being a teacher can mean a lot of things. They have to fulfill their children academically because it is also important for students to develop in that way. In some cases, however, parents are underqualified to teach their children how to solve a math equation or teach them grammer. To illustrate this point, in some poor district, where illiteracy is high, the parents of the children don't even know how to spell rather then teach them valuable lessons. As a matter a fact, parents discourage their children to learn because they think learning doesn't help to make life easier. (문장의 배열순서를 약간만 수정하시면 훨씬 자연스러운 느낌이 나고 강력한 argument 를 만들거 같아요. Discourage learning 을 먼저 얘기하고 illiteracy 를 얘기한 다음에 therefore 로 결론이 더 자연스러울거 같아요)
In conclusion, I firmly believe that there are better teachers in ones' life than their parents. Children can find better teacher elsewhere because parents can have problem with being strict or teach them at all. It is better to kind a qualified teacher who understands the children better. (opposite side 가 펼칠 argument 를 미리 예시하고 반박하는 것도 좋은 방법이에요. 위에 제시한 argument 도 요약하면 conclusion 이 더 강해질거 같아요)
(존경스러운 훈제연어님 format 좀 배낄께요)
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
26
l 주장에 대한 근거 자체와 설명은 좋고
l 그 근거가 main idea 와 연결이 되나
l 문단의 마지막 부분에는 설명을 보충하는 게 좋아요.
l 결론에는 위에 제시한 내용을 요약하는 방법도 좋아요.
l 그래도 더 자연스럽고 강한 argument 를 펼치려면 문장을 더 다양하고 자연스러우며 부드럽게 작성하세요.
l 에세이를 쓰고 꼭 여러 번 다시 읽어보시기 바랍니다
l 가능성이 아주 높습니다. 점수 금방 오르실 겁니다^^
수고 많으셨습니다^^ 꼭 110넘기세요! 파이팅!
고객님 이였습니다 :)
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