▶ Your Answer :
- Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Television has destroyed communication among friends and family. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.
In this argument, some people maintain (이 단어보단 believe that 이 더 좋은 거 같아요) that television has destroyed communication among family and friends. To support the argument, the people may cite the fact that many research has shown the result that the number of communication has significantly dropped among most of families recently. However, I firmly disagree with the argument with several reasons. (이 문장이랑 다음 문장이랑 붙이셔야 자연스러울꺼 같아요) In other words, the argument is problematic for the following reasons; the decreased number of communications within family and friends is caused by other factors. Moreover, recent media, such as Television or radio, can stimulate interaction among people. (인트로에 너무 많은 내용이 담겨져 있는거 같아요)
Some people assume that television has disturbed interaction within family or friends. However, this argument provides no evidence to support the assumption. In fact, this is not necessarily the case. For example, this is possibility that the lacks of communication (표현이 부자연스러워요) are caused by other factors. In other words, this argument is vulnerable to the criticism that, if most of people who are not interacting with other people frequently has interested in debating or discussing through the internet after development of online communities, the argument cannot be valid in any sense. Moreover, Television can motivate communication among people. For example, In a recent survey, conducted by the Harvard Business Review in 2011, comparing to people who do not watch television at all, people who watch some dramas or news on television have a tendency to discuss with colleagues and family members. In other words, television can provide some sources to discuss for people who want to talk with other people. (두번째 내용은 문법에 맞지만 첫번째 내용은 문법적으로 어색합니다. 이 문단을 2 문단으로 나누어서 작성하는게 좋습니다.)
All things considered, because the argument that television has destroyed communication among family and friends leaves out several key issues; it is not completely sound or persuasive. To strengthen the conclusion of the argument, the author should include above mentioned assumptions and provide evidences to support these assumptions. Moreover, a recent survey has shown that television does not disturb communication but stimulate talks among people. Therefore, I think that, if people can properly use several topics and issues broadcasted by television, this media can be definitely helpful for people to communicate each other. (conclusion 에 너무 많은 내용을 담은듯 합니다. Conclusion 을 더 간결하게 작성하고 위에 mention 한 argument 를 요약하는게 더 자연스러워 보여요. 또한 독립형은 주어진 주제에 대한 자신의 주장을 강화시키는 에세이인데 “the author… “ 이 부분은 off-topic 이라고 느껴집니다.
(존경스러운 훈제연어님 format 좀 배낄께요)
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
20
l 주장에 대한 근거 자체와 설명은 좋고
l 그 근거가 main idea 와 연결이 되나
l 문법적 오류가 전체적으로 자주 나타납니다.
l 문단의 마지막 부분에는 설명을 보충하는 게 좋아요.
l 글쓴이의 주장을 간결하고 강력하게 나타내셔야 합니다.
l 영어문법은 조심하셔야지 높은 점수를 받을 수 있어요.
l 그래도 더 자연스럽고 강한 argument 를 펼치려면 문장을 더 자연스럽고 부드럽게 작성하세요.
l 에세이를 쓰고 꼭 여러 번 다시 읽어보시기 바랍니다
l 가능성이 아주 높습니다. 점수 금방 오르실 겁니다^^
수고 많으셨습니다^^ 꼭 110넘기세요! 파이팅!
고객님 이였습니다 :)
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