▶ Your Answer :
One can learn a lot about another person from the books and movies that person likes.
An intriguing topic of discussion at hand is whether one can learn a lot about another person from the books and movies that person likes. The answer to this question can vary greatly, depending on the individual perspectives. Thus, the jury may still be out, but as far as I am concerned, I agree with the statement. In this essay, I will present two reasons supporting my standpoint as follows. (지금 템플렛을 이용해서 에세이를 작성하신게 눈에 확 튑니다. 일반 템플렛이 아니라 고급형이셔서 약간 court 분위기가 나는데요, 특히 “Thus … “ 그 뒤로 이어지는 템플렛은 미국 경영이나 법학부유학생 3학년이 교내토론대회 준비할 때 어울릴꺼 같아요. 영어는 간결함이 생명인데, 특히 인트로는 쉬운 단어와 간단한 문장패턴으로 고득점이 가능합니다. 돌려말하는 템플릿은 양날검 같아서 조심하세요.)
First of all, the books and movies reflect various kinds of personal characteristic. It is obvious that people broaden their horizon through indirectly experiences which is obtained from the books and movies. This can expose them to different worlds of lifestyles, basic customs, and cultures. Through this experience, they can build to specific their values. For example, when I had a part-time job, there was an girl who brought African meals for lunch. It smelled funny and she ate with her hands without using utensils. Other students who had never seen such a scene kept their distances from her. On the other hand, being educated on her attention to African table manners through her favorite books and movies regarding Africa, I was perfectly understanding and comfortable with what was taking place. (내용이 복잡하게 작성됬다고 생각합니다. 간결하게 작성하셨으면 더 좋았을꺼 같아요. 그리고 이 아프리카 예제 전에 봤는데 이걸 사용하실 때 잘 생각하셔야 합니다. 물론 내용은 괜찮은데 그 템플릿을 동일한 시험에서 따른 사람이 같이 사용하면 감점요인이 됩니다.)
Second, leaning to other people from their favorite movies and books can encourage people to work with more effective. This is attributed to the fact that is can serve as one of the main key motivators for them to perform better and to improve themselves. With such motivations, they will put in more effort, concentrate better on their tasks, and feel a stronger sense of familiarity with others. According to a study conducted by the Ministry of Labor in 2009, there was a huge difference between two groups of employees in relation to their rates of working. Employees in group A learned to other co-workers through the books or movies that they like and those in group B did not. The researchers showed that the former group spent 25% more number of hours on working and performed higher than the latter group . In particular, the employees in group A submitted team assignments on time and participated actively in group meetings. On the other hand, those in group B lacked focus while team working. It can be inferred that as method of learning about others, books or movies that others like has a direct correlation with the amount of effort and energy that employees invest in working. (문법적 실수 때문에 논리에 어긋나게 보이는거 같아요. Books and movies that person likes 에서 likes 를 주의하시고 강조하셔야 합니다. 물론 위에 논리도 mention 하셨지만 off-topic 느낌이 나서 두세번 더 읽어야 했거든요. 실제 채점관은 한두번 정도만 읽고 바로 점수를 주기 때문에 간결하고 쉽게 이해할 수 있도록 작성하는게 좋아요.)
In conclusion, I strongly argue for my standpoint on account of the two reasons mentioned above. Once again, although the verdict may still be out, I personally believe that two of my rationales above are sufficiently convincing enough to represent the viewpoints of a majority of people who are in favor of my claim. (템플렛느낌이 많이 나요. 결론에는 간단이 위에서 말한 2가지 point 를 요약하시고, “상대편 side 가 이렇게 주장할수도 있지만 이러이러해서” 하면서 counter point 를 제시하고 글쓴이의 주장을 뒷바침 하면 됩니다.
(존경스러운 훈제연어님 format 좀 배낄께요)
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
22
l 주장에 대한 근거 자체와 설명은 좋고
l 그 근거가 main idea 와 연결이 되나
l 아이디어가 더 강하고 간결하게 발달되어야 합니다.
l 문단의 마지막 부분에는 설명과 결론을 보충해 주세요
l 문장을 짧고 자연스럽게 연결되도록 작성하시는 연습을 하세요.
l 영어문법을 조심하시고 자연스러움을 강조하세요.
l 그래도 더 자연스럽고 강한 argument 를 펼치려면 강한 결론과 자연스러움이 필요합니다.
l 에세이를 쓰고 꼭 여러 번 다시 읽어보시기 바랍니다
l 가능성이 아주 높습니다. 점수 금방 오르실 겁니다^^
수고 많으셨습니다^^ 꼭 110넘기세요! 파이팅!
고객님 이였습니다 :)
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