▶ Your Answer :
You have been told that dormitory rooms at your university must be shared by two students. Would you rather have the university assign a student to share a room with you, or would you rather choose your own roommate? Use specific reasons and details to explain your answer.
I prefer to choose my roommate by myself rather than to have the university assign a roommate. There are two reasons: I am not a good person who can get along with others who I do not know, and there are too many risks if the university chooses my roommate. (인트로에 이 문제의 중요성을 살짝 설명하시면 더 좋을거 같아요)
First of all, I am a person who cannot be friend easily with someone who I never knew before. Also, I feel uncomfortable with a person who I do not know. If I have a roommate who I know, however, I will be relieved in my room because she is already my friend. For example, when I lived in school dormitory, I had roommates twice. At a first time, she was my friend who took same class with me. We went to the class together, had meals, and had great time. At a second time, however, I had a roommate who I really do not know and she was 5 years older than me. She never talked to me, so I was always feeling uncomfortable. Even though I love to have my time in my space, at that time, I went back my room after 7pm because she always went out after 7pm. (글쓴이의 주장을 간결화 시키고 예제를 빨리 설명한 다음 결론을 강하게 작성하시면 훨씬 좋을거 같아요. 문장이 길면 약간 어색하게 느껴집니다)
Moreover, usually the universities are not careful when they choose roommates. There is a chance that I can get a good roommate even if the university selects a roommate randomly. However, it doesn’t always work that way. In case of my school, they did not consider people’s daily pattern when they arrange their students. So, there are some cases of this problem. On the other word, it is possible that although I always go to bed at 12am, I can have a roommate who stays all night and doesn’t sleep until 2am. (예제가 더 자연스러워져야 하고 결론이 강해야 고득점이 잘 나와요.)
Some people say that having a roommate who you do not know is good to know new friend. Those words are not for me because I am not an out-going person. When I am uncomfortable, I get a lot of stress. Because of those reasons, I want to choose my roommate by myself not by the university. (문장패턴의 다양성을 높이시고, 더 많은 형용사를 이용하시면서 자연스러움을 강조하시면 좋을거 같아요. 두개의 주장이 서로 비슷한 점이 많으니 각자의 주장을 더욱 발달시키고 논릴 강화하시면 고득점이 나올꺼 같아요)
(존경스러운 훈제연어님 format 좀 배낄께요)
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
23
l 주장에 대한 근거 자체와 설명은 좋고
l 그 근거가 main idea 와 연결이 되나
l 아이디어가 더 강하고 간결하게 발달되어야 합니다.
l 문단의 마지막 부분에는 설명과 결론을 보충해 주세요
l 각 주장이 뚜렷하면서 강하게 느껴지도록 브레인스토밍 하세요.
l 문장을 짧고 자연스럽게 연결되도록 작성하시는 연습을 하세요.
l 영어문법을 조심하시고 자연스러움을 강조하세요.
l 그래도 더 자연스럽고 강한 argument 를 펼치려면 강한 결론과 자연스러움이 필요합니다.
l 에세이를 쓰고 꼭 여러 번 다시 읽어보시기 바랍니다
l 가능성이 아주 높습니다. 점수 금방 오르실 겁니다^^
수고 많으셨습니다^^ 꼭 110넘기세요! 파이팅!
고객님 이였습니다 :)
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