Television, newspapers, magazines and other media pay too much attention to the personal lives of famous people such as public figures and celebrities.
Nowadays, on televison and magazines, there are always some gossips about famous celebrities or public figures. Also, there are a lot of programs which show(s) how they live or what they do. In other words, a celebrity is continuously followed by a bunch of cameras and hoard of paparazzies. I personally think the media is getting too/overly interested in celebrities' lives. The reasoning behind this is that there are a lot of celebrities who suffer from these attention, and people are interested in their lives.(too much~문제는 negative한 의미를 담고 있습니다. 예를 들어, 이 문제에서는 미디어가 유명인들의 사생활에 "너무, 지나치게" 신경을 쓴다 라는게 주요 의미입니다. 때문에 이유를 들 때에도 어떤 점을 보아 이 것이 지나칠 정도라고 할 수 있는가, 어떤 이유로서 이것이 나쁜 영향을 주는가를 말씀해주셔야합니다. 첫 번째 이유 들어주신 것은 질문과 잘 맞으나, 두 번째 이유는 조금 약합니다. 문제와의 연관성을 좀 더 키워 이유를 들어주셨으면 좋겠어요~)
First, there are a lot of evidence that famous people are stressed because of the increase in media attention watches them contantly. The media even follow them around even though they don't want to have an interview. What's more, The reporters and paparazzies twist the celebrities' words and post photo(e)s of them without permission just because they are famous. For example, J.K. Rolling, a famous writer of the a novel Harry Potter, sued a magazine because when they took an unauthorized photo of her son and put it on the front page. The television and the magazines are exploiting everything in one person's life even though they don't want any attention. Likewise, there are too much attention on the lives of celebrities nowadays. (good. 예시 적절합니다)
On top of that, people are fascinated by the lives of celebrities. As it is human nature to compare and contrast themselves with other people, they like to know about look into other people lives, especially celebrties. For most of the people, lives of a famous person is not common, so people tend to dig more deeper, not thinking about that celebrity's feelings. So, when people demand the lives, the media is willing to give giving it because they know it will sell better to the people. All in all, the media is digging in to private lives of celebrities to meet the needs of the society. (위에서 말씀드린대로 질문과 조금만 더 맞게 문장을 바꿔주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 내용은 이대로 하시되, topic sentence를 조금 바꿔주세요. 이 에세이의 주장은 "I think the media pays too much attention to the personal lives of famous people"이기 때문에 이에 대한 이유는 "I think this way because of ~ and ~."같은 형식이 되어야합니다. 때문에 'First, celebrities are stressed out because of the actions of the media. Second, the media frequently uses the lives of celebrities as a way to get readers' attention."같은 식으로 써주시면 더 좋을 것 같아요^^)
To summarize, the media is telling everyone the secrets of the famous figure. The reasoning behind this is that people wants to hear them and the celebrities suffer a lot from it. All in all, certain respect is necessary for those who seek for information about one's life.
Essay 0-30 score scale
Fair-Good (21~25)
총평:
Too much문제는 다른 문제들과 조금 다르게 진행됩니다. 예를 들어, Do you agree with the statement that the media pays attention to the personal lives of celebrities? 같은 식의 문제라면- 동의한다. 왜냐면 우리는 그들의 삶에 관한 이야기를 자주 본다, ~ 같은 식으로 답해주시면 됩니다. 이 문제처럼 too much가 들어간 문장은 부정적인 의미가 추가되는데, 때문에 동의를 하였다면 왜 그냥 그렇다-가 아니라 이 점이 지나친 정도이다- 라는 점을 설명해주실 수 있으셔야합니다. 전반적인 에세이는 진행방식이나 구성 면에서 괜찮은 것 같고, 문법 오류도 크게 보이지 않았습니다. 주제에 초점을 맞추어 topic sentence와 reasons를 조금만 더 수정해주시면 좋은 에세이가 될 수 있을 것 같아요. 수고많으셨습니다 :)