Famous athletes and entertainers deserve the multimillion-dollars salaries they earn.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요.
Some people think that celebrities don't deserve the multimillion-dollars salaries they earn. However, in my opinion, it is reasonable that famous athletes and entertainers receive high salraries because they can make a lot of jobs in a job market and have to endure high pressure from being famous. 조금 짧은감이 있지만 깔끔한 서론입니다.^^
To begin with, famous people create a large number of jobs in the job market. 아래의 설명들을 보아 job-loser unemployed last year. However, since she has an interest on Korean singer, she searched a job involved in entertainment market. Finally she found a mailing job in his an entertainment company, and after she worked the first day, she was very surprised that there were many people worked for only one star. It shows that each celebrity affects an increase in jobs. 사실 이 예시는 본론의 내용과 연결성이 떨어지는 것 같아요. 예시 전체보다 제가 진하게 해놓은 저 문장을 main으로 하여서 <헌 celebrity를 위해 얼마나 많은 경제활동/일자리 들이 필요하고 이것이 경제에 어떻게 기여하는지>에 대해 강조해주시는 것이 훨씬 좋을 것 같네요
On top of that, famous atheletes or entertainers should have to stand the pressure from others' judgements the public. Being famous means much more people are watching all your behaviors in your daily life than ordinary people are watched. It is very stressful situation that you should be careful of every single movement. 차근차근 잘 설명해주셨는데요, 이 pressure 과 stress가 어떻게 high salary를 deserve 할 만큼 심각하고, 또 그것이 어떻게 보상이 될 수 있는지 설명해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. For instance, there was a roumor that a famous female singer was a hooker before her debut on entertainment market. There was no evidence about this but she suffered from this roumor. At the end, she committed suicide because of huge stress from being judged from too many people surrounding her. This implies that it can cause serious problem even committing suicide because of others' excessive attention. 이 예시는 단순히 stress가 크다는 것만 강조하는 것 같으니 논제와 더 연결성을 높히기 위해 수정이 필요합니다.
To sum up, celebrities can provide a lot of jobs so they have a good effect on economy. Moreover, they have to be strong from others' judgements coming from their fame. In this regard, I cast no doubt that they deserve a large amount of earning from their career.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (19-23)
논제에 대한 idea들은 좋은 방향으로 흘러가고 있습니다. 다만, 작성자님의 의견에 대한 근거가 충.분.히 설명되도록 단계적으로 (3~5문장으로) 설명해주시면 훨씬 좋은 글이 될 것 같습니다. 논제에 대한 답변으로 연결하는 부분을 중점적으로 연습해주세요. 또한, 나의 설명이 타당하다는 것을 보여줄 수 있는 적절한 예시를 잘 제시하고 있는지도 평가항목에 포함되어 있으므로 관련 사례를 잘 제시하는 것이 중요합니다.