Life is full of combination of hardship and joy, unexpectedness
and predictability, and happiness and sadness. Everyone might have their
preference and hatred, and some only apt to do things that they like only while
others would put more emphasis on fulfilling responsibility regardless. Even if
some say it's the best to do what you like exclusively, I disagree and
following are my reasons.
(The opening shows that you
can write well, but it’s very 오그라들어 as a reader. I recommend that you avoid being
a lecturer for TOEFL writing. It’s test, afterall. Avoiding defining life could
be one thing you should consider.)
First, from the
perspective of wholeness, our society is composed of every distinctive
individuals making wholeness as one piece. (This does
not contribute to your essay) In my opinion, it's the best to do our best to fulfill our responsibility and
accountability on our shoulders to
make a difference of the world to which we
belong.
Teachers might
have to be diligent enough to provide the students with best learning
experience, (as) parents are to support their
kids by working hard, students, doctors, firefighter(s)
and police would have to accommodate what they have in their hands to the best
they can. Imagine teachers don't spend a lot of time preparing for the classes;
doctors don't follow appropriate suits; parents don't work because they want to
take a rest. (You already made yourself clear. Move on
to the next point at the right time.) Only
consequences that will be left for us are poorly prepared education
for the kids, (and) patients who do not receive
best treatment and children with no money to go to school.
Thus, it is my utter opinion that there are always thing(s) we still have to do not just for ourselves but
everyone involved in our family, society, and to a larger extent(,) our country.
Moreover, to look at it from
individual's standpoint, we are living in a society where the competition is higher (more harsh)
than ever, in which it puts a lot of demand on almost every aspects
of us. Whether it be (is) punctuality or diligence, only the ones who
fulfill those demand and responsibilities are the ones (who
are) finally accepted (by the others). Thus(,)
whatever your goal is, without having fulfillment of those necessary
responsibility, the society wouldn't allow you to achieve it, because,for
example, even if you are super (very) good at drawing, if you fail to wake up early
to go to university, you simply can't be recognized as a prominent artist that
you might deserve (to be). Because we tend to brand people's capacity based on the
kind of education he/she accomplished. (This
is unrelated to the paragraph.)
As we can see from
above,
even if it may be difficult to do all we have on our shoulders and hands. For the benefit of us individual and all that are
involved, I firmly believe it's still the best when we do things
according to our responsibility rather (than) our
preference.
(DO NOT try to write like Walt
Whitman, because it is hard to be eloquent and be a good writer at the same
time as he was. It is difficult to be with both eloquence and content as a
person who’s still learning the language. You gave up content for
embellishment. Not a good choice for a TOEFL taker. It’s more important that
you write succinctly and coherently.)