▶ Your Answer :
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Nowadays people put too much emphasis on personal appearance and fashion. Use specific reasons and examples to supprot your answer
These days, an individual’s appearance and fashion are one of the most important factors in the person’s life. Some people argue that nowadays people put too much attention on their physical appearance and clothing style since some young people spend too much time to decorate themselves, I firmly believe that treating our appearance is worth enough to spend much time and attention. It is because we can reinforce our self-esteem and have a nice first impression through this treatment. (첫번째 문단이 문법적으로 부자연스러우니깐 문장을 짧게 작성하는 연습을 하세요. 논리에 어긋나는 느낌이 납니다. 글쓴이가 제시할 2가지 논리를 요약하시면 더 좋을거 같아요)
First of all, since it is highly important for us to maintain proper confidence, we have to care our fashion and appearance. In this competitive world, you should be convinced to yourself to survive. Many studies reveal that retaining good physical appearance is very important thing to strengthen one’s self-esteem. They show several reasons to verify the correlation between an individual’s confidence and his appearance. Therefore, it is necessary for us to spend significant amount of time and attention for our physical appearance to live out this world. (왜 confidence 가 physical appearance 를 통해 achieve 할 수 있는지 더 설명하셔야 합니다. Confidence 의 중요성은 나왔지만 어떻게 develop 한지는 설명이 더 필요합니다. 어떤 several reasons 이 있는지 에세이에 설명하면 좋아요)
On top of that, as putting emphasis on our appearance, we can have a good first impression. The impression is considerably crucial factor to effect on others’ decision. A good first impression causes positive reaction from others. Then, we should make an effort to maintain a good appearance to give a good impression to someone new. To take my personal experience, while I was young I had never spend my time and money for my physical looking, I started to care my appearance, hairstyling carefully and clothing nice, since I am in my university year (표현이 어색합니다), and I realized the importance of appearance. I felt others’ different attention to me and more people began to be nice to me. (결론에는 글쓴이의 주장을 보충해야되요. 또한 이 문단을 더 간결히 작성하시면 더 좋을꺼 같아요)
To sum up, people should put more their attention on their outlook and fashion on account of the reasons I mentioned above: nice appearance is a big help for a person’s life because it makes the individual have proper self-esteem and nice first impression. Therefore, we should assign appropriate amount of our time, money and attention for our appearance. (opposite side 가 펼치 argument 를 미리 제시하면서 반박하는 방법도 좋아요. 글쓴이의 주장은 문제와 연관이 있지만 강하다고 느끼기엔 약간 부족한 면이 있으니 더 강하고 뚜렷한 예제와 결론을 이용하셔서 논리를 보강시키세요.)
(존경스러운 훈제연어님 format 좀 배낄께요)
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
23
l 주장에 대한 근거 자체와 설명은 좋고
l 그 근거가 main idea 와 연결이 되나
l 아이디어가 더 강하고 간결하게 발달되어야 합니다.
l 문단의 마지막 부분에는 설명과 결론을 보충해 주세요
l 문장을 짧고 자연스럽게 연결되도록 작성하시는 연습을 하세요.
l 영어문법을 조심하시고 자연스러움을 강조하세요.
l 그래도 더 자연스럽고 강한 argument 를 펼치려면 강한 결론과 자연스러움이 필요합니다.
l 에세이를 쓰고 꼭 여러 번 다시 읽어보시기 바랍니다
l 가능성이 아주 높습니다. 점수 금방 오르실 겁니다^^
수고 많으셨습니다^^ 꼭 110넘기세요! 파이팅!
고객님 이였습니다 :)
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