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The idea of whether the extended family is less significant now than it was in the past or not has been heated on a discussion. Even though some people might disagree with the statement, However, in my opinion, I personally agree with the idea for two reasons.
To begin with, people seek for success more than before. To explain specifically, many people dwelled together with a lot of family members to help one another in the past periods. However, a lot more people live far away from grandparents and relatives house in these days because people go to the more enhanced place for better opportunities. For example, there was a survey conducted by the Korean Job Institution with 300 respondents. The purpose was to understand whether hoping to be a successful person makes people consider their extended family is less important than before. Undoubtedly, 96 percent of respondents dwelled far away from their family’s home since they needed to go to the place for the best opportunities. (왜 success를 더 추구하는지에 대한 설명도 해주세요)
On top of that, the educational system was developed. To be specific, they used to help children in their family in the past days. However, nowadays, a lot of good educational system has appeared. The system teaches deeper knowledge than family members who do not have specialized knowledge, so children can get more profound knowledge without the family’s help. For instance, in the case of my grandmother, her family members always taught by her about math, science and other subjects since there was not a lot of system for learning. Unlikely, I usually watch an educational video and search about what I do not know exactly, instead of asking my family, because I can learn more profound knowledge from the system. (문장이 길고 늘어지는 경향이 있습니다. 짧고 간결하게 유지해주세요.)
To sum up, I believe people consider that the extended family is not as important as before because people want to be successful and the enhancement of the educational system.
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1. 컴마를 너무 남용하지 말아주세요.
2. conclusion의 분량을 3문장 이상으로 늘려주세요.
3. example 같은 경우에서 보다 상세하게 설명을 해주시면 좋을 거 같습니다. 디테일이 가장 중요합니다.
수고하셨습니다. *^^*