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These days, we are living in a society that marked significant technology development ever in our history. (메인포인트를 더 명확하게 제시해주세요! 기술 발전과 어른들의 조언이 직결되지 않고 비약으로 느껴집니다!)Technology indeed became a significant part of our life, and consequently, being able to utilize this technology in a real job setting has become a crucial quality as a member of the society. However, older generations like grandparents often
advice(불가산명사) on technical skills or
Furthermore, it became harder for grandparents to catch what has become a new value to the grandchildren. In this society
what is deemed as "valuable" to children is different from what's been considered as important in grandparent's generation. To be specific, one of those values can be an academic success versus a quality time with a family. In our grandparent's generation, being a devoted member of a family - especially for a woman instead of building her own career was considered more important. Nowadays a lot of young adults deem their own future career and academic goal as equally important as family or friends, and this these differences in values and mindsets makes make advice from grandparents less useful. For instances, my friend’s grandma does not understand her passion toward academic success; whenever her grandma finds her struggling from the studies, she suggests her not to spend so much time on studying but to have more time with the family. My friend knew that her grandma tried to give her some advice, but she found them useless because her grandma could not understand she values her academic performances a lot.
To sum up, I think grandparent’s advice became less useful to grandchildren because what’s valued to the children nowadays are different from grandparent’s value as I mentioned above.
Expression | Weak | Limited | Fair | Good | |
Grammar(문법) | 글을 문법에 맞게 썼는지를 판단합니다. | O | |||
Word Choice(어휘선택) | 상황에 맞는 정확한 단어가 구사되었는지를 판단합니다. | O | |||
Syntactic Variety(표현의 다양성) | 같은 표현을 반복하지 않고, 다양한 어휘를 구사했는지를 판단합니다. | O | |||
Idiomaticity (관용표현 활용) | 사전적 의미를 담고 있는 단어들 이외의 표현들을 썼는지를 판단합니다. | O | |||
Sentence Structure (문장구조) | 효율적 표현을 위해 안정된 구조의 문장을 구사했는지를 판단합니다. | O | |||
Flow(문맥의 흐름) | 문장들간의 비약이 심하거나 처짐 또는 반복이 없는지를 판단합니다. | O | |||
Content | Weak | Limited | Fair | Good | |
Explanation(설명) | Thesis나 topic sentences같은 main idea들을 얼마나 이해하기 쉽게 썼는지를 판단합니다. | O | |||
Exemplification (예시) | Topic sentences와 관련된 example을 얼마나 설득력있게 풀어냈는지를 판단합니다. | O | |||
Coherence(일관성) | 글이 주제에 맞게 전개됐는지, main idea들간의 연결이 잘 되었는지를 판단합니다. | O | |||
Overall Organization (전반적 구성) | 서론, 본론, 결론 등 글 전체의 구조와 main idea들이 잘 어우러져 있는지를 판단합니다. | O | |||
Overall | 20 | ||||
comments: 문장력에 비해서 굉자히 기본적인 어법 실수가 잦아서 채점하로 하여금 고개를 갸우뚱하게 하는 글이었습니다ㅠㅠ 분량도 많고 좋았지만 기본적인 실수는 반드시 고쳐주세요! 또 첫번째 바디에서 메인포인트를 귀납적으로 도출하는 방식으로 글을 전개하셨는데 그것보다는 처음부터 메인포인트를 더 명확하게 제시해주세요! 이런 실수는 브레인스토밍이 충분히 이루어졌을때 발생합니다. 두번째 메인포인트는 정합성은 맞지만 별로 설득력이 약했다고 생각됩니다. 고생하셨습니다^ㅇ^ |