▶ Your Answer :
A number of people complaint their own life of the present. However, there are many people who do not know the present how much comfortable it is. The problem of the present has nothing in the past. In my opinion, life is easier and more comfortable than it was when my grandparents were children for the following subsequent reasons.
First and foremost, modern society is safer than in the past has become safer. When grandparents were children, they suffered from many hardships in the country (이유에 대한 설명을 좀 더 구체적으로 하고 난 후 예시로 넘어가시길 바랍니다). For example, there was an invasion from other country or civil war. For them, there was nothing more important than survival. However, contemporary society has no war through a peace treaty or truce. Thanks to that to such circumstances, modern people can live safely. In my case of, my grandparents often talked to me about his experience underwent wars. He said that it was difficult for them to even subsist. When I heard that, I thought that my life is really comfortable and easy.
On top of that, many developments in technology were as time goes by dramatically enhanced. In the past, most of the things were hand-operated. When grandparents were children, manufacturing business and light industry were operated by hands on. Even many people drive a carriage directly. However, in the present, many things turn into automation and many people could be convenience thanks to the invention of the vehicles. Especially, one of the best development is the Internet that allows people to easier than the past which allows people to interact with others freely. For example, they are able to search for needs in a safe home. It is not possible for grandparents to imagine modern lives when they were children.
To sum up, there was a great deal of difficulty to safe in times past. Moreover, many technologies enable people to comfortable. In this regard, I firmly believe that when it comes to statement.
점수: 22 일단 지금 이 에세이에서 나타나는 오류는 각 단락들이 이유에 대한 설명이 많이 부족합니다. 설명이 부족하다 보니 전체적으로 이 에세이가 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지를 모르겠습니다. 따라서 지금 이 에세이에서 좀 더 자신의 주장을 명확하게 전달하길 위해서는 좀 더 구체적이고 명확하게 이유에 대한 설명을 하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |