▶ Your Answer :
Rapid
development of transportation technology such as automobile greatly improved
living standard of humanity. Some people praise over how automobiles make their
life so much easier and enriched their lives. However, I strongly believe the
world would be a much better place now if they were never been invented for the
two following subsequent reasons. Automobiles polluted our environment
significantly. Moreover, there are rising health problem due to excessive
dependence on cars.(이미 밑에서 이유들을 다 서술할 것이기 때문에 인트로를 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다)
First and foremost, our planet is suffering from pollution caused by
automobiles has suffered from air pollution. Automobiles are operated by oil or gas. While they are running on
the road, they release toxic gases on the air, polluting earth atmosphere.
Accordingly, toxic gases condensed in the air makes make (gasses는 복수 주어 입니다) people hard to breath and
often cause respiratory illnesses. What is more is that, air Air pollution is not
only detrimental on earth itself but also people’s mood as well. For instance,
the national research center for human well-being in China conducted a research
on how air pollution affects people’s mental health. They found that bad air
condition is directly linked with depression and many other mental illnesses.
Thus, if automobiles had never been introduced, the condition for both earth
and human mental health would have been healthier become healthier.
Secondly,
automobiles exacerbated many physical problems on human. Nowadays, automobiles
take people to wherever they want in fast speed. People, thereby, love to use
cars even when their destination is in walking distance. As people utilize
automobiles more and walk less, their physical activity also significantly
decreases resulting in many health issues like diabetes and obesity. It is
advisable for people to walk at least an hour per each day or spend some amount
of exercise to stay in health according to many physicians. Let me give my
personal experience regarding this issue. When For example, when (let me give my~같은 표현은 구어체 이기 때문에 적절하지가 않습니다) I was a freshman, I used my car
wherever I go and I rarely walked. After a year later, I gained 15 pounds and I
was diagnosed of obesity. I decide to stop driving my car and tried to commute
to school by walking and go shopping by walk. After doing so, I lost all the
weight I gained from using car and felt much healthier than ever before. Hence,
people’s life would be much happier and keep good physical health if the
automobiles were never been invented.
In
brief, automobiles trigger pollution affecting environment and people’s mental
state. Also, they bring many unwanted health problems on people. All in all, I
claim that world would be a better place now if the automobiles were never been
invented.
점수: 23 일단 지금 이 에세이는 두 가지 부분에 잇어서 오류가 있습니다. 일단 첫 번째는 이유들이 겹칩니다. 서로 비슷한 이유를 다른 표현으로만 서술하는 것 같습니다. 전혀 다른 이유로 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째는 전반적으로 에세이가 너무 장황합니다. 예시에 너무나 많은 중점을 두는 것 같습니다. 예시를 길게 서술하는 것 보다는 이유 부분에 있어서 더 명확하게 에세이를 서술하는 것이 나을 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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