■ Direction You have 20 minutes to plan and write your response. Your response will be judged on the basis of The quality of writing and on how well your response presents the points in the lecture and the relationship to the reading passage. Typically, an effective response will be 150 to 225 words. ■ Question Summarize the points made in the lecture you just heard, explaining how they cast doubt on the points made in the reading
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▶ Topic :
In order to encourage children to study
harder, parents should avoid letting them watch television. |
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▶ Your Answer : There might be some
people who don’t do not (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다) believe that in order to encourage children to study harder,
parents should avoid them watching television. However I personally disagree
with the above idea for the two subsequent reasons. First, watching TV distract
children’s attention. Second, television makes children tired.
To begin with watching TV makes children hard
to concentrate on their study. Since TV has variety of programs, there is
always TV show which attract children’s attention attracting children's attention. Once they get attracted, it
is hard for children to stop watching TV. Also, addiction of TV is really
severe that even if they are doing other things such as study or exercise,
their mind is filled with thought about TV. When children become addicted they cannot focus on their daily life Let me bring up my personal story as an
example. When For example, when (let me bring up~같은 표현은 구어체 이기 때문에 적절하지가 않습니다) I was in high school, I lived in school’s dorm and there was no
TV. But I visited my home one in a two week. I studied well at dorm but I
couldn’t focus on study at home. Because I spent more than 2 hours just
watching TV. I knew I needed to be changed but I couldn’t as I spent most of my time watching TV. Eventually I
destroyed TV by myself and then I could concentrate on my study even when I was
at home.
In addition Television television (대문자는 문장 시작할 때만 서술하시길 바랍니다) makes Children tired.
Even if the one couldn’t realize it one cannot realize, watching TV makes person to consume consume (make뒤에는 항상 동사 원형입니다) a lot
of energy. Eyes and ears are used for flashing to flash video and noisy sound. Also our
brain takes a lot of image and information from TV. And this leads people to be
exhausted which leads to the exhaustion. According to a study conducted by Korea Medical University, people
who watched TV one hour a day have experienced 20% more tiresome and fatigue
than people who don’t watch TV. This research show how TV can make people tired
In conclusion Watching TV cause children hard
to concentrate and make them tired. If parents want them to study hard it is
essential for them to make their children avoid it.
점수: 22 일단 지금 이 에세이는 전체적으로 어색한 표현들이 너무 많습니다. 이러한 어색한 표현들은 에세이 플로우로 하여금 방해를 줍니다. 에세이 플로우가 방해를 받기 때문에 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 문법적인 오류들도 있으니 항상 에세이를 서술하시고 난 후에 정검을 꼭 하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |
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- 독학으로 하다 이제야 첨삭 시스템을 알았네요 ㅠㅠ 잘 부탁드립니다