▶ Your Answer :
To
begin with, since children are premature they nedd the rules which
they can follow. Rules are came from experience and wisdom, not only
they make children learn about the society but also give them a
chance to avoid making mistakes As the rules come from experience and wisdom, not only it makes children learn about the society but also gives them a chance to avoid making mistakes. If parents doesn't do not (parents는 복수 주어 입니다) make any rules to
follow, children can lost their way and waste much of their time. waste their time Let
me bring my personal story as an example. When For example, when (let me bring up~같은 표현은 구어체 이기 때문에 적절하지가 않습니다) I was young, my mother
made a lot of rules and encouraged me to follow them. At first it was
really hard and I wish there were no rules. But after years and years
I realized that the rules helped me to improve and earn success. So I
make up my mind that I will have my own rules which my childeren can
follow.
Also,
many successful people talk about the significance of rules from
parents. They say the rule is one of key factor that made them
successful to become successful. According to the survey conducted by Korea Research
Center, the academic significanceerformance (이 단어는 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인가요?) of students who had
rules when they were young is much higher than students who didn't
have rules to stick with. Since academic performance is highly
related to successful life, this survey demonstrates if parents want
their children to be successful, they need to make rules.
In
conclusions, childeren need a rules to follow and many successful
people argues about importance of rules. In this regard, I believe
that parents should set strict rules for their children if they want
them to succeed in life.
점수 :22 일단 인트로가 어디있나요? 독립형 에세이에서 인트로는 에세이 방향성을 서술해주는 것이기 때문에 인트로가 꼭 필요합니다. 또한 지금 이 에세이는 전체적으로 어색한 표현들이 너무 많습니다. 이러한 표현들은 에세이 플로우를 방해하기 때문에 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 두번째 단락이 내용이 너무 빈약합니다. 좀 더 구체적으로 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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