■ Direction Read the question below.
You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an
effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words.
■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the
following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your
answer
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▶ Topic : If you could make one important change in
a school that you attended, what change would you make? Use reasons and
specific examples to support your answer.
지난번 첨삭해주신 부분을 일부 수정하여 다시 작성해봤습니다.
지난 번과 비교했을 때 내용이 좀 더 명료한지의 여부를 제가 판단하기 어려워서 다시 게시판에 글을 올립니다.
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▶ Your Answer :
School
makes student do their best in studying. Students
are staying, studying, eating and even sleeping in school during their
term. For their studying, I suggest my university should expand the cafeteria for the
following two subsequent reasons.
First
of all, there is no place to eat lunch. Now I
explain how one small restaurant makes problem in studying. Almost students have lunch in twelve o’clock
normally. For this reason,a
lot students gather around to eat lunch. This is big problem for students. I have major
subject at one o’clock PM and another class finished at twelve o’clock.
Furthermore, my major uses building where is far from student
restaurant. When I arrived at restaurant, crowded people make me hesitate
how I can eat lunch. In
such case it is reasonable to expand the place to eat.
From
above reason, small cafeteria occurs another problem. There is no seat to eat free and if seats are available, there is no time to eat lunch before next subject started because of long waiting time. Unlucky
people, who arrived late, disregard their lunch to prepare for their next subject. Some of students have lunch
quickly, others do not have lunch. I also do not have lunch when
people are
really crowded. That
is more comfortable to prepare next subject because I have time after that
subject. If restaurant has more seats
make students can eat, that
leads to students do not crowded in one place in same time.
In
conclusion, I request one more cafeteria or restaurant expansion to
university. One small restaurant is so crowded and that make student
hesitate. In addition, there is no available seat to eat during lunch time.
Student’s work is studying not hesitating and struggling with lunch time.
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지난번 첨삭
■ Direction Read the question below.
You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an
effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words.
■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the
following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your
answer
|
|
|
▶ Topic : If you could make one important change in
a school that you attended, what change would you make? Use reasons and
specific examples to support your answer.
|
|
|
▶ Your Answer :
School
makes student to (make뒤에는 항상 동사 원형이 나와야 합니다) do their best in studying. Students
are staying, studying, eating and even sleeping in school during their
term. For their studying, I suggest my university make expanded
restaurant or build one more restaurant should expand the cafeteria for the following two
subsequent reasons.
First
of all, there is no place to eating eat lunch. Now I explain how one small restaurant makes
problem to student to their studying in studying. Almost students have lunch in twelve o’clock
normally. For this reason, a mount of students gathered in front of
restaurant at eleven and half for their lunch a lot students gather around to eat
lunch. This is big
problem for students. I have major subject at one o’clock PM and another
class finished at twelve o’clock. Furthermore, my major use uses (major는 단수 주어 입니다) building where is far from student
restaurant. When I arrived at restaurant, crowded people make me hesitate
how I can eat lunch in tens of minutes and that hesitating makes me
nervous. That is why I request restaurant expansion or build one more
restaurant. In such
case it is reasonable to expand the place to eat
For
that reason, restaurant is always full of people in lunch time. There is no
seat for eating to
eat free and if seats are (동사가 없습니다) available, there is no time for
eating to eat lunch before next subject started because
of long waiting time. Unlucky people, who arrived late, disregard their
lunch for preparing to prepare for their next subject. Some of students have lunch quickly, others do not
have lunch, and another student bought something to eat before
their subject. I also do not have lunch when people really
crowded day. are
really crowded That
is more comfortable to prepare next subject because I have time after that
subject and I have late lunch at that time. If
restaurant available has more
seats make students can eat, there is no hesitating student while they waiting
other students eating and leaving. That leads to students do not crowded in one place
in same time, and do not make them to eating quickly or to eating
nothing.
From
above reason, I request one more restaurant or bigger restaurant to
university. One small restaurant is so crowded and that make student
hesitate. In addition, persist that condition in long term, students get
problem to their health. Student’s work is studying not hesitating and
struggling with time.
점수: 22
두 가지 부분에 있어서 오류가
있습니다. 먼저 첫 번째는 몇몇 문장들이 동사 자체가 나타나지 않습니다. 동사가 없다 보니 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 따라서
꼭 동사를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 두 번재는 어디가 바디 단락인지 모르겟습니다 특히 두 번째 단락은
첫 번째 단락의 예시인지 아니면 새로운 이유인지 잘 파악이 안됩니다. 이 부분을 주의하시길 바랍니다. 수고맣으셨습니다.
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